Balancing Life's Path: Wisdom at 40 with Melissa

Ever wondered how turning 40 could be a profound milestone filled with wisdom and unexpected lessons? Join us for an enriching conversation with Melissa Schillingford, a dynamic entrepreneur and business consultant from Hudson Valley, New York. She shares her inspiring journey from a nonprofit career to empowering organizations impacted by the criminal legal system. Melissa opens up about her passion for serving others while balancing a flexible lifestyle, and provides actionable insights into optimizing processes for more impactful work. Her story is a testament to the transformative power of nonprofit work and the significance of maintaining personal fulfillment alongside professional achievements.

Taking a nostalgic walk through Melissa's memories, we uncover how her childhood in East Flatbush and East New York shaped her professional path. From the hustle of her entrepreneurial parents to the cultural shocks of moving to Long Island, these experiences sowed the seeds for her dedication to community work. Growing up with foster siblings and witnessing the dedication of social workers fueled her desire to contribute positively to society. This heartfelt narrative blends cultural nuances and family dynamics, illustrating how early life experiences can influence our careers and aspirations.

Celebrate the unique journey of embracing life at 40, as we explore the twists and turns of managing media influence and cultural expectations in parenthood. Listen to humorous anecdotes and reflective stories about navigating societal pressures and setting boundaries during postpartum recovery. From a surprise birthday in Mexico to the maze of unsolicited parenting advice, we highlight the challenges of balancing personal well-being with societal expectations. Join us as we unpack the societal norms that shape our lives, all while cherishing the rewarding journey of reaching this milestone with grace and wisdom.

Melissa Shillingford - Make Ideas Work 

https://makeideaswork.org/

Chapters

• 0:05 Navigating Life at 40
• 10:19 Journey to Nonprofit Work
• 24:29 Finding Peace and Balance at 40
• 34:42 Managing Media Influence and Personal Trauma
• 46:06 Navigating Cultural Expectations in Parenthood
• 50:57 Navigating Parenthood and Society's Expectations

Transcript

Carlene : 0:05

hi, I'm carlene and this is diva. Tonight we're doing something new. This is a series devoted to turning 40, the milestone birthday, and celebrating everything it is to be a woman at 40, you know, like career driven mom, all the good things that come with that milestone. I think it's that part of life that I think you finally are like, yeah, I get it, I get it. Now you know what I mean. Or there's hurdles along the way. But right across is Melissa, and she is an entrepreneur, a business consultant, a mom, a wife, and she's in New York, actually Hudson Valley, new York right.

Melissa : 0:56

Yep, that's right. That's where I currently live. Yeah, yeah.

Carlene : 1:00

Okay. So for those who don't know you, I see you worked in nonprofit for a little bit and then you changed over. So what was the deciding factor?

Melissa : 1:11

Honestly, there's a lot of the deciding factor, but the sole purpose, the underlying like common denominator, is really to serve people. And I continue to serve people as a nonprofit consultant, as an entrepreneur. So, yes, so I spent my goodness. I was working in nonprofits since, I wanna say since I started college back in 2001. And that was my first job and I always felt like I had a purpose to serve people, to give back. And so throughout college, throughout graduate school, after graduate school, I continued to work in nonprofits. But then, more recently, I decided to pivot because I needed flexibility, but also I wanted flexibility in my lifestyle and flexibility in the way I work with and serve nonprofits, as opposed to only working with not one organization. I want to be able to serve many at once. And so this is how I decided to do it Right as a nonprofit consultant.

Carlene : 2:19

So so nonprofit is like a broad term. It could be nonprofit in the medical sector, in media, in radio, like what. What was your, the sector that you worked in?

Melissa : 2:37

So, primarily, my main focus has always been or I would say for the most part has been in serving people who have been impacted by the criminal legal system and so providing or organizing leadership trainings, advocacy trainings that really help them advocate for themselves right and help them advocate for the policy change and develop their leadership skills so that they can have an impact in their own communities in the ways that they felt you know were necessary. And so that was the main group of folks that I served. I, you know, worked in a college setting at one point where I launched fellowship programs that helped college students serve people who were formerly incarcerated, and then I also just developed cohort-based programs since then. So it's an intersection of like serving that community and also developing leadership skills and providing trainings as well. So that was a sector that I was in and currently, through my business, make Ideas Work.

Melissa : 3:39

I help organizations who are doing like dope work. I help their staff work smarter, not harder, you know what I'm saying. So I provide them with the training, the tools and also consult with them on like how can we, how can they do the work more efficiently so that they can focus on the impact that they're having, so that they can build a relationship, so that they can, you know, help raise funds and not be so caught up in the day-to-day routines that it's really dropped, that they're, you know, drowning in, and so I just help them work efficiently in that way.

Carlene : 4:12

You know that saying work harder, not smarter, I never really-.

Melissa : 4:15

Work smarter, not harder.

Carlene : 4:18

Yeah, work smarter, not harder. So I never really understood that, but I think in my research online, youtube is our best friend. It's planning ahead, really planning your day, organization, which is easier said than done, and so I guess you help people in that sector organize, plan ahead and do things in a more efficient way. Like you have an eight hour day and like how do you tackle like so many things, right, you know?

Melissa : 4:48

Colleen, I never even thought about that Like right now. As you said, I was like you know, like working smarter, not hard, as a lifestyle. It really is a lifestyle, as a mindset. I didn't get there. I wasn't always like that, right, like I learned the hard way. I was that person who waited the last minute to do things. I was that person who would wake up in the middle of the night to respond to emails or just work all day and night. You know what I'm saying.

Melissa : 5:15

And at the same time, I realized that it had a personal impact on me, right. Like I felt like I was operating from a space of scarcity. I was always like exhausted I was, I didn't. I was always anxious and stressed out, you know. And so when I'm like that, then the people I work with are like you know, like what's up with you, right? And then when I'm like that, the people in my household are like what's up with you? Like what's up with the mommy and what's up with you know, my, you know my husband's like yo, what's up with you all the time, you know.

Melissa : 5:47

And so when people are like yo, what's going on? And you're like, well, I'm stressed. And why am I stressed. It's because I'm you know, these things are happening to me. And so when things were happening to me, I was like no, I and I need to make things happen right and in a certain order. And so once I made that pivot of like I cannot allow things and people to take up my time and energy and I need to be in control of that. That's when I was like that's the strategy of like, how to reclaim my time, that's how I reclaim my energy, that's how I like plan things ahead and the power in that.

Carlene : 6:26

So, yeah, it's a battle. I am still procrastinating with certain things, but I started watching some more videos and, like you know, baby steps, because I think in work sometimes I want everything to be perfect, but there's no such thing. And so I think hearing you say that, like when you're tired and stressed and you're constantly going like everything affects you, you do things like how you eat and how you sleep, and everything affects you as a person and who you want to be Right, and so it's one of those things where I think it's one day at a time right.

Melissa : 7:03

One of those things where I think it's one day at a time. Right, it's one day at a time. It's also one step at a time, you know, and it's the baby steps that really matter, and it's the baby steps that really add up to the major thing you mentioned. You know, perfection, and I've like perfection is so overrated. You're saying it's like yeah, perfection also is one of the reasons why people, a lot of people, procrastinate, because it's like oh, I want to learn some more about this before I do this, or I want to buy all of this in order for me to do that, you know, and it's like I want to get it perfect in order for me to do it. And I'm like no, let's get that perfection out of it, because the only thing that's perfect is God, you know, and so we cannot.

Melissa : 7:43

We have to really understand like we are imperfect. And once we know that and we, once we like really get that, like the best thing to do is like, just do it. And then you learn as you do it and you're like oh well, that didn't work out. Let me try. Every failure, every step is a, it's a lesson. You know this and that's how I see things, you know, and that's why so many folks are like how do you do this and why do you? You know, like how. And I'm just like I might be that risk taker, but I don't want to spend too much time wishing I had done something. I just want to like do it, you know what I'm saying, yeah, and learn from that and then like pivot and figure it out.

Carlene : 8:27

You know life should be fun Like let's just not worry about perfection and just do it, right, right, easier said than done, but to your point, oh my gosh. You just said just do it, which is the whole Nike slogan and everything Right. Just do it. It never gets old. So I always say this to everybody it's not where you are, like the path to where you are, like where you are in your career now. There's a reason you got here, you took steps to get there. So where, where did you grow up, melissa?

Melissa : 8:55

My goodness, like there's a lot of things that people don't know about me, like what I am now, right, but the path to get here, I mean like where I grew up. So I grew up in both Brooklyn, new York, and in Hempstead. I'm going to say, and this is important, is that I grew up, you know, like my parents are straight from Haiti. I grew up as in a household of a family, of of love and care and always, always giving. And the thing then, that's when I knew that I always wanted to give to others, right, but also, what's coming to me is when I, when we lived in Brooklyn and we lived in like it was a two bedroom apartment and it was a six of us I have four, I have three siblings it was a two bedroom apartment and it was a six of us. I have four, I have three siblings, but in this two bedroom apartment, there was never only the six of us living in that apartment. You know, it was my aunt and my grandmother. You know there was always extended family that was living with us, and so my parents always opened their doors, like till this day, you know, but they always made something out of nothing, you know, and so we used to live in East Flatbush and then we moved to East New York and this was like I was excited to live in that area because now we live in the Brownstone in East New York.

Melissa : 10:19

The first place I lived in East Flatbush was an apartment building right Like maybe six floors and we lived on like the main floor and, yeah, it was a nice area. It was a decent area. I love the culture because it felt very comfortable. It's very diverse, heavy on the Caribbean community, lots of black and brown folks at that time. Now it's very different in that where we live, so anyway, so that was there and then we moved to East New York. Now East New York, that area where we moved to, is predominantly Puerto Ricans and Dominicans and so we felt like we were actually the minorities there. It was different.

Melissa : 11:00

And we went. We moved from an apartment building to now like a two. What's it? A duplex.

Carlene : 11:06

Right, right yeah.

Melissa : 11:08

And we had a backyard, we had our own backyard, you know. And the streets, I mean like. Whenever I think about this time in my life, I think about playing double dutch, you know, and tag in the streets, you know. Oh, my goodness, I just think about like it was. So it was too hot to stay indoors. We didn't have the ACs, so we had to play outside situation and everybody on the block came outside. We would go, like to the park. I think about the people who were selling the ICs in the streets, like it was a whole vibe, you know, like I just that's what I remember. But also, to bring it back to in terms of like, how I got here during all of that, something that sticks out in my memory is seeing my parents. I remember them making car fresheners how do you call it Like car fresheners.

Melissa : 11:57

Yeah, so they would make them out of like cardboard, right. So they will find like cardboard boxes. They would collect cardboard boxes, okay, and they would buy fabric and then they would add potpourri to the fabric and then they would cover all the cardboard and the fabric I mean the potpourri, yeah, and then they will just hang it in the car and they would sell them for like $5. It was like $5 or $2 for $8 or something that it's probably most likely that's what it was, and they were like selling that, selling that, and I remember seeing my father in the kitchen just make them late at night with a hot gun and everything. But that's when I I think that's when I saw like that hustle, you know, saying it's like my mother. She was the one who would work.

Melissa : 12:46

My mother worked at a in the hotel industry. She was a housekeeper. From as long as I remember right, she recently retired but she was a housekeeper. My father did not work because he was physically disabled from the job. He was working in the factories in New Jersey and then he became physically disabled, that house like.

Melissa : 13:10

I remember vividly, like seeing that, and I feel like I may have helped my father make some of those. I might be making that part up in my mind, but my spirit is like I was with him. Maybe that's my entrepreneurial spirit is like I was with my dad in the kitchen, like helping him with that. Yeah, and, yeah, and, and then from there we lived there for three years and then when I was 10, we moved out to Hempstead, long Island. And when we moved out to Long Island it was interesting because the idea for us in general, when you think about at that time and we're like, oh, we moved to Long Island first of all, it was a surprise but I really thought we like it was like the Bel Airs, you know, like that's what I thought we done moved up. Yeah, really thought we were like it was like the Bel-Airs, you know, like that's what I thought we done moved up. I thought we were going to all the things.

Melissa : 13:51

And then first day of school came and it was like, oh, there's, there's no one white here. There's like oh my God, just like me. So it was a very it was very different environment, but Hempstead was cool. You know that's where I spent most of my upbringing in Hempstead. So that's a little bit about my background. That's where I spent most of my childhood.

Carlene : 14:12

Oh, ok, yeah, so more of like a visual, but like when you went to school and you went to, I guess, college, what did you study? Like, what made you get into nonprofit? I mean, obviously it seems like that entrepreneurial spirit came from your parents and I can relate to that too, for sure, I think, like my dad, my dad's an entrepreneur, so there's always been that desire to do things on my own. I never really followed the pack, so I don't know if you could relate to that. I felt like the odd one out and I think as I got older now that I'm 40, like yourself, I realize a lot of things, like the way my brain is wired and the way I do certain things.

Carlene : 14:57

I just felt like I never fit into what do you call it? The crowds, like you know what I mean, like in high school and stuff. So I don't know how you felt about that. But like working in nonprofit, getting back to that, what led you to there? What did you study in school? Like I mean in college, like I mean honestly like OK.

Melissa : 15:17

So the other thing I took my mention earlier that my parents always opened up their homes and there was always six of us plus. I mean, since I was seven, my parents had foster kids in the house.

Melissa : 15:31

So I also had foster siblings, and so I was like, you know, around this time, I don't know, like folks will always ask, oh, what do you want to be when you grow up? And I don't know, I don't know. But there will always be a caseworker or a social worker who will come by just to check on the children. And I was like, you know, it seems like a positive thing to do, right, yeah? And so I was like that's what I want to do, that's what I want to be, you know, and that's all I knew. That's what I want to do. So what I studied in school is not, honestly, anything. What I'm doing now. I didn't know. And I went to John Jay for undergrad. I went there and I studied deviant behavior and social control and I don't even know how I think I got. I studied that because it was like psychology, sociology and anthropology all at once. I was like, okay, I didn't know what to do you know it's like a called like undecided major right.

Melissa : 16:36

Yeah, it was something it was like the most vague thing, the closest I can get to social work. I don't, I can't even tell you how I ended up at John Jay, but John Jay chose me, I went there and I ended up there and then during my junior year, one of my classes got canceled and the thing is that it took me two hours to go. I didn't live on campus, there was no John Jay's a commuter school, and so it takes me two hours to get there and two hours to get back of commuter school, and so it takes me two hours to get there and two hours to get back. And so when there's a class that is canceled, if it's like during the day, I have to wait around or do figure something out, because I can't just, you know, like go home. So when it was canceled, I ended up in a program fair, like there was a fair that was happening on campus Let me go check it out by happenstance.

Melissa : 17:21

And then I came across this program that would prepare undergraduate students for graduate program for not even graduate program, let me take a stab at for PhDs, ok, and I was just like what now? Huh, I was like that's a thing, and I didn't even saw that as an opportunity to like consider what's next. I wasn't even thinking about, like I was thinking about, what's next, but it really enlightened me to explore beyond what I was thinking at that time. And so I went through this program called the McNair Scholars Program and changed my life. But I ended up actually staying at John Jay for an extra semester because I needed to complete some for that program. But because of that program I was able to apply for graduate school and ended up going to a graduate school in the Midwest a big 10 school on a full ride. Wow.

Carlene : 18:18

And so amazing.

Melissa : 18:19

So I was like yes, I was like the first one in my entire family to like make that, to make that move, and it was great. It was lonely but I survived it, that's. That's a whole different conversation, colleen, oh my gosh.

Carlene : 18:35

Wow, it was lonely.

Melissa : 18:37

Oh, I mean like this was real out there because you know, like you're on campus, You're homesick.

Carlene : 18:44

Yeah, you don't get to go home OK.

Melissa : 18:46

You don't get to go home, and so, like you don't get to go home, and so you create your own sense of family out there. So then I created my own sense of family, my community. I found, you know, I found my, my, my, my people, my people, and at the same time, because I did not party enough in undergraduate school, I kind of made up for that when I went to graduate school.

Carlene : 19:11

So I partied a lot.

Melissa : 19:11

You know what I'm saying, I went in and you know it was a different environment for me, so I struggled out there. But yeah, like that whole experience, there's a lot of trauma that I went through, not personally but intellectually, because, like this was a PWI, it was a different experience, and it's like now you're PWI. What do you mean? A PWI is a predominantly white institution, so it's a predominantly white school. Oh, okay, wow, yeah, been through were very diverse up to this point, and so the racism I had been through were very diverse up to this point, and so the racism on the campus was very loud. It was very much felt and also impacted, how you know, like how I thought and everything and so it was a lot happening.

Carlene : 19:56

When you go to like post-secondary, I think, like you say, it's a lonely place. I guess you felt lonely because of the race, the race factor, like there's not a lot of people, there's not a mixture, like I think you feel like there's a sense of belonging when there's people that you can relate to or familiar faces or something Right. But for me too, I think, when I went to university as well, I thought it would be different for some odd reason. I think it's what you see in the movies and it makes like higher education, this place where you're going to meet people who are educated, who have a different way of thinking, and like there's more open-minded people. And I don't know if I necessarily found that, like I found my two of my closest friends, but I had some professors that were like they were brutally honest and to the point where it kind of gave me like a little self-doubt in a way. Like it's where you're like.

Carlene : 20:56

My number one professor said to me like he's like you didn't take anything else, and I was like here I am, I'm like. Well, she kept saying that I'm like I need to drop this. Like he's like you didn't take anything else and I was like here I am. I'm like, well, she kept saying that. I'm like I need to drop this class. Yeah, it's going to kill my GPA. Like you know what I mean. Like when you hear the brutal honesty from a teacher and I think that's like the teacher in me, like helping others. Like you know how you said access service. So when she said that but it's like you said so like how I felt, and I felt like again.

Melissa : 21:44

I've always been with my family up to this point and now I'm away from them, yeah, and I was also like in a relationship and then like now we're in this long distance relationship. So it was a lot. But also it is that it is that level of brutal honesty that just I was young and I had believed a lot of the false statements or the microaggressions that were happening, you know, and I felt like like if that happened now, I would like no you're saying because this is, this is me in 40, but at 20 I was still developing.

Melissa : 22:21

I didn't know who I was at that time. You know I'm still trying to like find out who I am and you know I'm still developing and I'm trying to figure out a lot. And then so when you're told and now in this space that's supposed to resemble the world, oh, you're not good enough or why you're here and you know all these things, and you're like start questioning yourself and then you know it hurt your self-esteem. I didn't really. You know like it wasn't until after the fact, until I was like 30 and going through counseling, and I was like, oh shoot, I actually had panic attacks. I was actually like I felt anxious a lot of times going through that and I didn't have the language to even name that because counseling or anxiety or all of that was not part of my vocabulary before and during graduate school. So I had to navigate through all of that complexity of navigating all of those emotions again alone, I was suffering in silence in some ways.

Melissa : 23:21

And also like just questioning, also like just questioning my own worth, Just literally questioning my own worth, Walking around with that. So it was heavy, but now like that, ain't gonna fly. You know what I'm saying. If I could tell that 20-year-old girl like listen you're made for. You know you're put on this earth for a reason. Yeah, fix your crown. You got this.

Carlene : 23:48

Yeah, you're saying yeah for sure, yeah, for sure, I think. I think, like you said, it's another time in life. But now that you're 40 and you have a little bit more self-awareness and like you've obviously gotten through a lot of obstacles right, and yeah, we both have, I think we all do in life and I think whoever's listening can relate. If you're 40 or you know 40 plus, it becomes that time when you're there's still gonna be like hurdles along the way, but it's how you deal with it, how you handle it in the long run, right. And and so I think you said this is interesting. I'm going to bring this up. I don't know if you remember, but you said you celebrated turning 40 on your 39th birthday. So I wanted to ask you what that? What do you mean by that?

Melissa : 24:39

no, I literally did and it was by accident. Yeah, yeah, but like, oh my goodness, like for the longest I had been planning my 40th birthday in my head.

Melissa : 24:51

All right, okay, the way I wanted to have. Like, I wanted to have a fet and I'm still going to have a fet. I don't know how and when, but I'm gonna have a fet and I want to celebrate my 40th birthday, you know, before I'm 41, and maybe I celebrate it again when I'm 41 plus one and when. But I'm gonna have a fit and I want to celebrate my 40th birthday, you know, before I'm 41 and maybe I celebrate it again when I'm 41 plus one you know what I'm saying.

Melissa : 25:07

yeah, but I'm gonna, but that's how I wanted to celebrate it. So, but I think, when I was turning 39, my goodness, like in my mind, I think I was just so ready to turn 40. And I was. I remember you were, wow, I was so ready, I. There's something about I don't know like it representing own, like owning yourself you know what I'm saying Like becoming who you are, like fully blossoming, like I'm no longer second guessing and so. But the other thing, too, is that there's something about me in my 30s, like, where people will still talk to me or look at me as if I was younger. You know what I'm saying. But now I can say, like I'm 40. You know what I'm saying? Like there's something about 39 where people are 38 and younger and folks like treat you like you're a lot younger, but once I'm 40, it's like I'm here, like I've arrived oh, it's like whoa 40.

Carlene : 26:03

Some people are like whoa, you're 40, you don't look at, or like you know you look younger than that, or like 40 is the new 30. There's so many things with 40, and so did you have a 40th birthday? Yeah, okay.

Melissa : 26:17

So all that to say all that say, my husband threw like a surprise 40th birthday for me on my 39th. But then it wasn't so much as a surprise because I ended up, when he was planning it, like there was a specific I'm a planner, right, he's not. And so I wanted to see my. My mother was going to make a special meal for me for my birthday. So I was like I really want to go to my mom's house. And he was like no, we're going to his mom's house. And I'm just like, oh, like like it's my birthday, why can't you just like, why can't we just go to my mom's house and then go to your mom's house, like it's you know? And so I got so upset with him and so, and then he was like because it's a surprise.

Melissa : 27:08

it's supposed to be like, oh, I should have just let it be, you know, but like, for me, like details matter, but anyway, all that's the same, he threw a very small, intimate 40th birthday for me it perfect and a good friend of mine. We also went to Mexico for my 40th birthday. So I was like, listen, I need this. You know, whether I'm 39 or 40, we're still going to celebrate. It's all good. That was my 40th, it was me my 39th. It was good, it was really good. So when, by the time my 40th came, my actual 40th birthday, I can't tell you what I did. I honestly, I can't. I did absolutely.

Carlene : 27:46

And that's what I did, okay.

Melissa : 27:47

And it's the complete opposite from, like, when I turned 25, I wanted to turn up. You know what I'm saying. When I turned like 30, I wanted to turn up, but, yeah, yeah, I wanted just to be still, I wanted to enjoy peace. I think I may have gone to the spa, but I just I didn't have, I didn't work that week. I I just wanted to not have any responsibilities but like don't do dishes on the birthday.

Carlene : 28:14

I'm like I don't do dishes on my birthday like relaxing nothing, you know. Yeah, that's it.

Melissa : 28:20

So that's how it was, but I think that is what set the tone for like, the following months. Like I'm new to 40, you know my birthday was in October, so I'm new to it but I would say that I love my peaceful moments, like I just I love just waking up early and just an hour and a half to myself, reading, praying, meditating, before I start the day. I realize I have more patience, I realize I have more like I don't know, like it's just there's a level of peace that I really enjoy and I don't know if it's me maturing, I don't know.

Carlene : 28:56

Is it Well? I mean, you're a mom too, right, and so is it like before the kids get up, and like your time for yourself.

Melissa : 29:04

Well, it's interesting that you say that, because that's probably why I ended up where I started doing that, because last year, I think so, a part of what I do too is I do some workshops around burnout and time and energy management and all of that. And I was like, by the time December, like I told myself I I'm not going to do any work after October and November. And then it became December and I'm like yo, why do I feel this way? I felt so depleted I meant depleted when I, the moment I woke up, the first thing I would do is go straight to getting the kids ready, then go straight to work, and then the kids will come home and I get them ready and then spend some time with my husband and then, like, do a little bit of work and then go straight to bed and then repeat all over.

Melissa : 29:47

So with that kind of schedule, I had no time to myself, I was not pouring into myself at all, and so I nearly had a breakdown. But then I think it was more so like a breakthrough, because I realized that I was burnt out. I was legit burnt out because I was not pouring into myself. Here I am like pouring into everybody else except myself. And then I was like you know what? Like, let me just, I have to, like it's not, it's a non-negotiable anymore. Like so now, even if I, even though I wake up early, it's just like, if I don't wake up early and like have that time for myself, you know it. You're saying like everybody feels it, like I feel it, I'm like something is off, what happened or what didn't happen? I was like you know what? I did not point to myself today, I did not.

Carlene : 30:38

Your morning routine. I guess it's really important. Yeah, I have to.

Melissa : 30:42

Because otherwise I'm pouring into everybody else and not to myself, and that all I'm giving myself is an hour and a half. That's it.

Carlene : 30:49

But even when you're tired, you still feel like it helps, like even when you are, you know, yes.

Melissa : 30:56

Especially when I'm tired, I have to Like again, like if, if anything, at least 30 minutes, like this morning. I was like yo, I don't know. Like all week it was like with my legs were aching and then it was like my thighs were aching and then my abs were aching. So now this morning it was my back and my shoulders that were aching and I had a headache. So it felt like it was just like creeping up all week. So I woke up with all of this in pain. I was like yo, I'm canceling today, like I had to sleep. And I asked my husband I was like yo, can you just get the kids ready? I'll be there in like 30 minutes or so.

Melissa : 31:31

So, with that being said, I was not able to have my usual routine because I was like hurting, yeah. And then he got them ready and I was like okay, I'm good to get up. I had my coffee, got the kids out the door, but I was like you know what, before I check my email, I'm going to give 15 minutes to myself in just pure silence, just 15. I didn't do the whole 30, but I was like just 15 minutes, put on some meditation, music and just be still. And then I was like all right, let's go. I need to. You know I'm ready for the day.

Speaker 3: 32:04

Diva Tonight. Glamour for your ears. This is 40, A Female Perspective with host Carleen.

Carlene : 32:13

Yeah, you know what, even if it's not the meditation, but even a moment of quiet. But I've been getting distracted by my phone as of late and now I'm like, oh, I have to get back and like not go on my phone first thing in the morning and like just take that time, like you said. So no, the me time is crucial, it totally is. And yeah, meditation has been around a long time and I did a nine week workshop. That was hard for me. It was like three hours out of my day, you know, right after work and like every Monday at 630, it was like you know. But once I did it I was like this is helpful you know, and I experienced meditation differently.

Melissa : 32:54

You know what I'm saying, because it's not for me, it's. It's being just being, still just being in tune. Sometimes I play meditation music. I might ask Alexa to play some meditation music for me. I might put on some gospel, I might just put on something that's not like going to rough up During the day, I might get amped up and change the playlist, but for that 15 minutes I'm just like. Sometimes I play no music. You know, it's just me. I might journal, I might read, but it's just me.

Carlene : 33:20

I might journal, I might read, I might, but it's just about me feeding my soul at that moment yeah, and I think I think that's the one thing I haven't talked about it is um, in this series it is not just the, I guess, the mental health aspect not too much focusing, but just even health itself and and that because I guess you know it just depends on where you are in your life, at 40 you know, and and it's true. So the time that you spend alone in the morning is so important and I, even if I fall off of it, I watch like a podcast, like the Mel Robbins podcast he's like, you know, she's like sometimes you get annoyed with her, but it's like like, OK, now you're right.

Carlene : 34:01

You know like, wake up earlier, drink a glass of water. You know all these reminders that we have to give ourselves because we're so programmed Right and so it really is important, though, like you said, and the thing is that for me, I like personally, with everything that's happened with like politically is pretty heavy.

Melissa : 34:26

I used to like, when I drink my cup when I woke up, got the kids ready I will also drink coffee and watch the news at the same time. So I will start my day with the news. And now I can't, like I don't even have to turn on the news to even know what's happening, like I can, just it's like it's all around me. So that was another reason why I was like you know, I need to be still before my energy or before I'm affected by all the news. You know what I'm saying, because it can be overwhelming and I'm the kind of person that can internalize that. And then, like somebody calls me while I'm internalizing it and I'm like taking it out on them, like what you want? You know I'm angry, I'm pissed, you know, and it's like I'm not pissed, like I'm not mad at you, yeah, but it's just like I need to like get all of this energy out so, so like I had to manage that.

Melissa : 35:12

So that was a huge part as to like why I needed to clock that time out, because I was like I set that foundation before I'm all triggered.

Carlene : 35:25

Yeah, oh my gosh. Part of your day, oh my gosh, I think it's so true, though I think even late at night. Apparently it's not good to watch it late at night too, but I'm like I feel like if I don't watch the news, like I don't know what's going on. But, like you said, it's everywhere. It doesn't matter Social media, it doesn't matter where you're, you're going to get the information right.

Melissa : 35:47

I go to the gym and it's on the screens. I'm just like oh my gosh. Yeah, I want to see anything, it's just, oh yeah, I get to overstimulated by it. So now it's like I want to be in control of when I'm ready to watch the news, when I want to see the news.

Carlene : 36:07

yeah, so that's, almost like. I don't want to I can't.

Melissa : 36:10

So it's, it's a lot, and you're right like it's important to stay informed, but it's like I will become informed when I'm ready, right, I'm already like I see everything that's happening. It's, I see it, I know it, but I want to be in control in terms of, like, what is coming my way, right? And we got to filter that information because there's a lot of fake news out there.

Carlene : 36:33

There's a lot of it, you know oh, that's a controversial thing they're saying about the fake news, right, but I think if somebody told me this, it's like the news, certain things are considered a distraction, right, like in a way. But we could go through a whole thing with that. So, yeah, but yeah, it's crazy. We are living in a crazy time right now, and so anything you can do to calm the storm, calm your mind, so that it doesn't affect you, stress wise, it's true. Like I mean, I'm in Canada, you're in the US, but like we're supposed to be like, but we're affected as well. Yeah, yeah, I, we are. Yeah, totally, the whole thing right now. That's happening. It's, it's unsettling in a in a way, because I work in an industry where the change could happen. Like it's on pause right now, but I'm not going to go straight into it. But yeah, whatever happens will definitely affect Canadians too. So it's just a matter of time. We'll see how it goes, right.

Melissa : 37:38

And, at the same time, it's like being mindful of what is it that we can put our energy towards. You know what do we have the capacity to do right now. You know right, right, don't we? So sometimes, you know what can you control and what don't you have control and what you know, what communities can you join and how effective can you be?

Carlene : 37:58

Right, and that whole positive mindset. You know, the one thing we didn't talk about is your family. And you know, there's one story that you told me. I don't know if you want to share that story, but I thought it was so powerful when you were having your son in the hospital and like, I don't even know if you want to talk about that, but yeah, I thought that story was very powerful because I think a lot of women who have kids can relate. Oh, you know what I mean, or what do you call it. Oh, how do I say that?

Melissa : 38:31

yeah, so just your son, so you have a son, and then do you have more than one child, or yeah, yeah, I have a son and a daughter, oh, and so this is the story about the level of pain.

Carlene : 38:43

Yeah, ok so, oh right, that's a little oh yeah, I'm like there's so many different yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Melissa : 38:54

So giving birth to my son was my first child and I was supposed to have a scheduled C-section and so he was to see schedule C-section was going to be on March 28th, which is seven months before my birthday, and I specifically told March 28th because my birthday is on October 28th. So I was like, okay, we can, you know, be seven months apart. Yay, but when I was getting ready to go to the hospital, I was like I don't know if I really want to do this, like something just told me, like just give them a call and just see if you know, just have natural birth and just try it out. You know, it's like all right, fine. So I called and they're like, yeah, you can wait. And that was the first time I actually got that type of response Fast forward, got that type of response Fast forward. I went to a learning house, a teaching hospital. I went to a teaching hospital, a major teaching hospital in New York, where I ended up giving birth. Now, the moment that we went in, okay, first of all, when they had to like inject that needle here or whatever I do not like needles, okay, I've never liked needles. Yes, I was like 30 years old. I still cry when I get needles. I do not like needles. And so when the doctors asked me what's my plan, I was like epidural, because I don't want to feel any pain. I don't want to feel any needles, anything. This intern kept poking me, couldn't find my vein and I'm like yo, I'm going to go at you Like I'm having, I'm in labor, and he couldn't find it like for a solid 10, 15 minutes trying to find my vein to like pop it. So that was the first like frustrating thing, cause I'm like I'm literally in labor, so fine, whatever. So now they're preparing, they're trying to catch me, get my doctor, and then my water broke, okay, and the anesthesiologist arrived, but now they can't give me the epidural because my water just broke. So my water broke, and so now they're like all right, so I guess it's time You're going to have to push and I'm like all right, fine, so I'm pushing again.

Melissa : 40:54

I just wanted epidural from the beginning, so I did not want to feel any pain. I didn't want to feel any. This is how much of a like I don't want to say a wimp, but I really don't like pain. I didn't want to feel any needle and I really didn't want to give natural birth. I just want, I just want. I didn't want to, but here I am, we're going to do this, right, yeah yeah. So, pushing and pushing, pushing, my son comes out and my, my son arrives, and the next thing they know is that they realize that I am torn down there in that area and so they have to stitch me up. I'm like, oh my God, I got to do needles now, you know like can we do this tomorrow Like?

Melissa : 41:35

no, we got to do it right now because we don't want to take the risk of infection. So I'm like I literally just gave birth and they're like oh, just put him on your chest, because you know you won't even think about the pain. And I'm like yeah. I don't understand. I do not like pain. Right.

Melissa : 41:50

And first of all, I just gave birth naturally with no epidural. So I insisted, I was like, no, I do not want my son on my chest, like I don't like pain and it's too much for me right now. And they insisted, I'm like all right, fine, whatever. So they put him on my chest, they put some topical cream on me, all right, didn't even allow it to settle and they started stitching and I felt every single stitch.

Melissa : 42:14

My husband, you know like, grabbed my son and I was like, see, like they don't, they're not listening, like I did not want him on my chest and they didn't allow, you know, anesthesia to topical anesthesia to kick in. So I felt everything and what that made me realize was one they made assumptions that I can tolerate pain, right yeah. And they were rushing that whole process and I don't know why they were rushing, but I felt everything. And then, like my husband, who's a tall black man, didn't know how to advocate, for me or for him, you know like we're both thinking, of course, like we're going to do what the doctors say because they are in the right, right, but they weren't. I should not have had to suffer in that way.

Carlene : 43:00

Yeah, wow, yeah. It's like I think in the moment, like you just don't know how to react or what, like you know you're just help me out here. You know what I mean. And hearing that story again, it's like if only they would listen. And I think that's what a lot of people feel like in the medical system. Like you're always having to advocate for yourself and then sometimes no one's hearing you when you're saying like I don't like needles, like I'm the same way I don't like needles either. I don't like pain. You know there's some of us that don't have a high tolerance for pain. Yeah, yeah.

Melissa : 43:37

I specifically said I don't want him on my chest Right Cause like it's too much going on right now. Like I don't want him on my chest Right Because it's too much going on right now. Like I don't want him on my chest right now. I didn't even know that was a thing. Yeah, yeah, not right now. Like you're about to sew me up, like I don't want him on my chest at this moment.

Speaker 3: 43:53

You know there is a time for bonding, and right now.

Melissa : 43:56

I can only do one thing at a time, and so this is the other thing Like, I get that they're the experts, but what's the difference between, like you know, like, delaying my bonding time with my son? You know, because of your theory. You know like, oh, if you put him on chest to chest, you know all this? Listen, I was still able to milk, I was still able, like, waiting 10, 15 minutes. Yeah, I didn't make that significant of a significant difference, you know.

Melissa : 44:20

And so, like, the other thing too is our identities, and I mentioned that my husband is a tall black man. Because when you're in an institution, like you know, the hospital, you know, if he advocated for me, first of all, no one's teaching. You know, before you give birth, oh, how to advocate at that time. You know saying, oh, to pack your bags. And you know, when the baby is born, it's gonna look pale and yada, yada, yada, but no one says, hey, this is how you advocate for your wife. And so if he advocated for me, what would that look like? They would get, you know, security on him. You know saying like, if they say you listen to her, she doesn't want the baby on her chest, or like wait, like, hold up like let's put the the, you know, let's wait for the cream to settle, you know, but. But you know, but the second round, when we had our second child, that we were in a fair and you're like listen, you know how to advocate now and then it was, and it was a completely different experience.

Melissa : 45:20

It was a different hospital, yeah, completely different experience, and it was perfect. Everything was just perfect.

Carlene : 45:27

It's a learning experience, right? You're first time parents. You're nervous, those are. See, that's the thing. It's always everything that they don't tell you. Like I'm sure, like your mom didn't even tell you, like our parents didn't don't even tell us those things, like you know what I mean, like you don't learn those. I don't know if I'm not, I shouldn't assume but I don't know if your mom ever told you about giving birth. Like it's always the untold stories, right?

Melissa : 45:53

yeah, I mean we've had stories about giving birth, but I, you know every story it's. It's just that it's that person's story, right, it's going to be very different from somebody else. But after that happened to me again, another expectation was for me to continue to be super mom not even continue, but to be super mom. Okay. Like, let me set the stage for you, carlene. Okay, yeah, and I just gave birth. I'm sold. You know, like I have stitches in an area that I don't usually have stitches. I gave him Vicodin, okay.

Melissa : 46:27

So now I'm like taking Vicodin whenever it's necessary. I'm in pain, I have to sit on a donut, and we're learning how to be parents and we weren't married at the time and so I'm over here like trying to figure out when is my milk going to come, how is he going to latch? Things about work, you know, about my body, me being a mom, just a lot happening. And at the same time, I had so many folks coming into my house, loved ones coming into my house. Oh my gosh, I need to nurse. How, how come you didn't feed the baby? I'm like yo, the baby's good. Oh my gosh. Yeah, all that level of pressure, like why are you walking like that? And I'm like yo, you know, like it was a lot.

Melissa : 47:13

I felt like I didn't get that level of nurture and support that I really needed and I don't know, I don't again, I don't know if it's because it's it's like maybe folks assume because of my personality that I'll be good. I got this. But that's not always the case. And for my second child, my daughter, I made sure that I was like I don't want anybody coming to the, to the hospital, I don't want anyone coming to the house for the first two weeks. I need time for my family to adjust first before folks come in judging, criticizing advising all of the things.

Melissa : 47:46

I was like no, yeah, Again, prioritizing us first.

Carlene : 47:52

Yes, yeah, I think that's the thing too, like I had to say it. In the Caribbean culture it's always like why didn't you do this? Or like you know, there's always someone else has an opinion and like we have to just like let it be, but at the same time it's like you know what it's too much, yeah, yeah, this sounds really overwhelming.

Carlene : 48:13

I don't think I've heard anyone say oh my goodness yeah, it's like when you're sick too, okay, just make sure you have the ginger tea with honey and lime. I'm like, yes, you know that thing when COVID happened and I got that cough, and I'm like I'm so tired of everybody being like drink hot water, make sure you put lime in it. I'm like, yeah, I've been doing that, but the cough is still here.

Carlene : 48:38

It's been you know, what I mean and I'm just like, I am doing it, I am drinking it, I am. I have been drinking the tea with the honey and the lemon lime. It's totally different than what you're talking about, but I'm not a mob so I can't relate. But it's like another thing when, when everyone is like giving you advice and you're like, yeah, I know, listen, they're trying to be helpful. But in Caribbean culture, in our culture, it's like sometimes it's it's not helpful and sometimes you're just like I don't know.

Melissa : 49:07

Yeah yeah, yeah, it can be overwhelming sometimes, it can like again, I know it's from a good place.

Melissa : 49:12

you know, like he's like. He says like you, sometimes you just gotta like from caribbean folks, you just gotta take it like I guess of course I will, I will you know. And take it Like I guess of course I will, I will you know. And then it's like, if y'all just listen, the one advice I will never forget and me and my husband we laugh about this, and this was a serious advice my daughter, we think at the time, like, looking back at it, she may have had COVID. She was a toddler, Like COVID was a thing in the other, like in China, but didn't yet. Oh, I was trapped here, but she had the symptoms. But anyway, I have to say the advice that we were told from a family was oh yeah, just put her pee pee on her forehead. We're not going to put urine on her forehead, I'm sorry. No, that's not happening. That's not happening.

Carlene : 49:55

Wow, ok, I don't think I've ever heard that. Ok, okay, I don't think.

Melissa : 49:59

I've ever heard that. Okay, wow. And so I was like yeah. So I was like I know you, I mean.

Carlene : 50:09

Well, I know it's coming from a good place. I know it was a bit much, oh my gosh. The, the, the, the advice, you know what I mean there's. There's a lot of different things that people give you, depending on the culture, when you have a child, right, and even in Italian families, but I think, I think, what you you definitely shared there is, like it's hard to be a parent. You know what I mean. It's, it's the one job that you have that I guess you get paid in different ways, but it's a hard job, right, and so, yeah, yeah.

Melissa : 50:37

Yeah, it's something that you know like someone told me that kids didn't ask to be here. So my, my goal is to make memories, not to feel the hurt or the pain that I are, and for them to enjoy their youth. You know, saying like be able to, and it's yeah and just. I just want to raise good citizens, that's all you know what I'm saying. It is hard as heck, but at the same time, like it's hard out here.

Melissa : 51:12

It's hard, but you know, like there there are folks who have fewer resources than I have and who are doing an amazing job. You know what I'm saying, and so yeah.

Carlene : 51:24

Well, that's the powerful thing, Melissa. I think it's important that you know everyone shares their journey and like how challenging it can be. But it's kind of like interesting to hear that perspective too, because I think for me, like you know, when you turn 40, like you have two kids but I don't have any of my, I remember telling my dad about my condition, like I'm not gonna say what's going on, but and then you have, when you're 40, you have less time, right, and so I just remember my dad telling me how he would like if I did have kids, and I was just like you've never actually said anything about that, like he never pressured me. So it was just interesting now at this age that he brought that up. And I always think it's so interesting, like how parents are and I'm like, oh so you, you did want me to have kids. You just never like pushed me or anything Like you'd always push me from doing a business if I had a business idea and I it didn't go.

Carlene : 52:20

Well, you know what I mean. But like, yeah, it's kind of like when, when your, your time is limited, it kind of puts thing into perspective, right, and so that's my perspective with that. But hearing you talk about like your challenges too, like nothing is ironclad either way, and I think, yeah, it's just society either way. And I think, yeah, it's just society, right, and like family and everything. So, yeah, I'm Carlene and this is Diva Tonight with Melissa Schillingford Is that how you say it? All right, amazing. Thank you so much for sharing your journey. Yeah.

Speaker 3: 52:57

Diva Tonight with Carlene will be back. Send us a message on Instagram at diva underscore tonight.