From the Archives-- Relationships, Divorce and love with Keren Eldad

Certainty can feel safe, but it can also make you blind. Tonight, I’m joined by coach and speaker Keren Eldad to talk about the moments that flip your story, from a TED Talk lesson on assumptions to the real-world truths of love, abuse, and starting over.

We get into the Tina Turner documentary and what it means to survive an emotionally abusive and physically abusive relationship, especially when people around you “can’t tell” anything is wrong. Keren shares the early red flags she wishes everyone would take seriously, why insulting you is never “small,” and how self-worth is the difference between staying stuck and getting free. We also talk about why “settling” is not love, no matter what age pressure says.

Then we shift to practical dating advice you can use right now: how to believe in soulmates without ignoring reality, why soulmate relationships are supposed to feel easy, and how to stop doing all the heavy lifting when you’re dating. We even go into pandemic dating, online dating on Tinder, and why a mindset shift can open doors that feel closed. Plus, Keren breaks down how to land a TED Talk, pitch your idea, and rehearse so hard your nerves do not run the show.

If you want grounded relationship coaching, real talk about resilience, and a reminder that love can find you at any age, hit play. Subscribe, share this with a friend who needs hope, and leave a review with the biggest takeaway you’re applying next.

Transcript

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Welcome And Guest Introduction

Carlene 0:00

Hi, I'm Carleen. And this is Carleen Tonight. Hi, I'm Carleen, and this is Carleen Tonight. We have with us Karen Aldad. Hi, Carleen. Hello, everyone. Hi. So I was looking at your resume. It's very impressive, madame. TEDClock 2019. I mean, it's it's two years ago, so it must have been quite a different time compared to now. Your mom of four pets, you said. Like you have four pets. You've been married. And I think you said you also have your own podcast. Is that right? Yes, I do. Coached with Coach Karen. Ooh, we must delve into that.

SPEAKER_00 0:44

You know, it's ironic because you told me that you just watched the TED Talk. I really, really appreciate it. That was actually recorded at the end of 2019, and it was called You Don't Know What You Don't Know. In other words, brace yourself. Life can throw you pretty much anything your way. And almost comically, we ended up with COVID, which is a year I don't think anybody could have anticipated, right? I don't think it was designed to be as perfect for the moment as it was, but it just ended up that way.

Carlene 1:12

Yeah. And I think anyone can relate with that TED talk, because um, even me, I was listening to it. And I think we've all been on the plane and we all sat, not necessarily the kid knocking your chair, but the kid that's crying, and you're just like, oh, all I want to do right now is take a nap. And this kid is crying. I remember going to my uh Florida. We were going to Disney, and this two-year-old was so excited, she was just like, Oh my God, we're going to Disney World. And then she started crying. And I was like, Ooh, is this going to be one of those flights where she's going to be whining the whole time? So you, you just, I think you speak to the like a lot of people, and you brought that up.

SPEAKER_00 1:52

I really appreciate that. That's why I love that story. The story that the TED Talk opens with, for those who haven't seen the TED Talk, is the story of how I got stuck in

The TED Talk Seat Kicker Lesson

SPEAKER_00 2:00

a row right in front of a two-year-old who was kicking my seat. And the rest is hysterical and a very powerful lesson, I think, in never, ever making assumptions about people. But yeah, I mean, who can't relate to that? How many times have we been sitting next to somebody who was kicking our seat? Anyway, I hope everyone will tune in and be, I hope, just as surprised as you were to see what was really going on in that picture.

Carlene 2:23

Yeah, yeah. So if you have not watched it, it's TED Talks with Karen Aldad. It's one of the top ones on there. Obviously, you've had 200,000 views. Oh my God. We all watch it. Yeah, I'm super, I'm super proud. I'm really glad. Clapping my hands together for you. That's very exciting. Yay! And rolling on the river. Yes. Woo! I hear you're getting on a little bit with Tina Turner.

SPEAKER_00 2:49

We all Yeah, I'm having a moment. Who doesn't love Tina? If you don't love Tina Turner, you might as well tell people you don't love puppies. That's just weird. What kind of a person doesn't love Tina Turner? So

Tina Turner And Surviving Abuse

SPEAKER_00 3:00

I just watched the HBO documentary, and I know that you talk about relationships a lot. I don't know if everybody knows this, particularly younger generations, but Tina Turner, not only a modern Marvel, who becomes an epic, enormous success in 1987 when she was almost in her 50s by then, and the sexiest woman to ever grace a stage. The only and the first black woman who ever graced the stage and filled stadiums the size of Mick Jagger. 186,000 people came to see her, for example, in Brazil, did not do that overnight. Her story is very, very powerful. And I think the best part of her story and the most excruciating was that she survived famously a deeply abusive, physically abusive, emotionally abusive, verbally abusive relationship with Ike Turner. And I will not take this away from anyone who is willing to put themselves through this film because it's so breathtakingly worth it. But the truth is, I really related to her. I related to her because I was married before and it was an abusive relationship. One in four of us is. I don't know what people who are in abusive relationships look like. A lot of people say you don't look like you're in an abusive relationship. I'm like, I don't really know what that means. Reese Switherspoon has talked about being in an abusive situation. So I don't know what we look like, but it's pretty common. And it's because I had, like Tina, just no idea of my power. I really didn't understand what I was worth. And I thought that everything should be handled by men because so many of us kind of buy into those ideas, right? Like they they should handle the money, and um, who am I to speak up and just nonsense, which is really weird for a person who grew up with feminist values. And watching her and how she came to terms with what happened to her, how she rose, how she understood that one day enough was enough, and that no matter how old she was, she was still gonna do it, she was still gonna be the superstar. It really kind of gave me the validation I've always wanted to feel. It was breathtaking to watch her example. I want to live up to Tina Turner's example, and I definitely have in love. Like she ended up marrying the love of her life, Erwin, uh, and they they've been married for more than 30 years, a gentle, kind, sweet man. And I have also married a very gentle, very kind, very sweet man. So it's a really nice place to talk about what relationships mean to you and and how does that line up with who you're becoming.

Carlene 5:41

Yeah. We're talking about documentary, but we always, you know, watch the movies in Hollywood, and there's the happy ending, and we're we're all striving to find our soulmate. And it's it's hard, you know, like you're talking about your the relationship you were in before you got to into the relationship you are in now. That's a better relationship. It's not as hard because that's a hard relationship to be in.

Three Rules For Soulmate Love

Carlene 6:05

And and absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 6:06

But here's how anybody can find their soulmate, recognize their soulmate, and manifest soulmate love. Would you like a few tips from a world-class coach? Yes. Thank you, Carlene. That was the right answer. Number one, then this is the most profound, most fundamental tip I can give you is you have to believe in soulmates. You have to believe they actually exist. You have to believe that someone is meant for you, someone is not going to miss you, somebody is going to be a powerful, wonderful co-creator in your life. You have to believe it. The second you say, but there are no good men, and I've met thousands of them, and love is really hard work, and all my last relationships were crummy. I mean, I understand and I'm gonna agree with you, but that's that has nothing to do with whether or not there are soulmates. If you believe, you're much more likely to find it. The second thing that I really give people as a tip is soulmate relationships have to be easy. And what that means is enough with choosing the bad boy who gives you grief. You don't marry that. There's a hilarious move um line in Train Wreck, the Amy Schumer movie where her watched that the other day. Her sister says, You don't marry best sex of your life guy. He's probably in prison somewhere, and that's exactly what I'm trying to say. That's actually not a sign of soulmate love, that's a sign of drama. Soulmate love is easy, it's comfortable, it's like an old shoe, it's delicious and snuggly. Number three, if you believe numbers one and number two, then the most important thing I can say is it doesn't require a lot of effort. So stop doing all the heavy lifting. I think the biggest trap that I see people in today when they're dating is they overdate, right? They go on too many dates, they answer too quickly, they uh they're the ones who are constantly checking in with the other person. They're the ones who are always making the plans. If that's where you are, you're definitely not in an easy soulmate state. You're in a please love me state and you're asking for trouble.

Carlene 8:07

I don't know if this is cliche or not, but like when um when you're busy doing the stuff that you love, that's when you find the person that you're supposed to be with, right? Like, absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 8:17

And especially when you're busy in love with somebody already. When when you're madly in love with yourself, no one can miss you. How long have you been married? Uh, we just we got married last year. Oh, we were supposed to get married in March. We ended up just tying the knot now in a sort of haphazard way with uh the very, very big wedding on the way. But we've been together for three years, and Ryan is the greatest guy ever. Hi, Ryan.

Carlene 8:46

If you hi Ryan, hi and where did you meet this good person? Tinder.

SPEAKER_00 8:54

Tinder. I was actually giving an interview that week for Cosmopolitan Magazine about how to make the first date great again. So many people not liking dates and all.

Carlene 9:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:04

And as a coach, I thought, why don't we apply all of these principles that I teach everybody to this? And he was my third date, and I ended up marrying the guy. So, yes, it does work. And it's really just about being clear with yourself, knowing who you are, believing in soulmates, understanding that this dynamic is supposed to be easy and fun and not settling for anything less. Now, I realize that this is easier said than done. I've published a lot of articles about this. If you are interested, read, fill yourself with this kind of information and really devote yourself to practice. And when we're not reactive or negative, we tend to attract really wonderful things.

Dating During The Pandemic

Carlene 9:44

Yeah, I think it's a little bit harder now, you know, with uh COVID. Um, I don't well, we didn't even bring this up, but you are in Texas. I am. I just I don't know. Um, I just read my friend told me about this that you guys had a baseball game. 38,000 people in the state. No, I don't believe you.

SPEAKER_00 10:04

Well, yeah, COVID is it's like I feel like the state of Texas kind of doesn't care about anything today. I read that Governor Abbott doesn't want to have COVID passports, the vaccine passports. I think that everything here is really weird. We just moved here from New York City, but we live in Austin. So for us, we're kind of in a little oasis that pretends that Texas isn't around us. At the same time, our numbers are low. We're doing okay. We're both, we already have the vaccine.

Carlene 10:33

So yeah, we're we're not near like the numbers of vaccines here in Ontario. Like it's uh we we were in lockdown for the longest, what seems like the longest lockdown, and people are just getting tired now because it's been since November. Yeah, yeah. And so people are like telling the premier, like, yeah, you need to open small businesses, like this is enough is enough already. So that's where we are because we went two steps forward and then it feels like two steps back, but yeah, but getting back to our conversation tonight, we're talking about relationships, and you're saying that you know, you need to like have this belief and have the positive energy. So during the pandemic, I feel like people are a little bit more reserved, like you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_00 11:19

It's a little bit harder, like so No, I totally get you, and yeah, I I always say you can be right or you can be happy. If you want to argue that these are difficult circumstances, then by all means waste another year of your life. But if you wish to understand that there has never been a better time, never been a more perfect time to date within the confines of a pandemic, because believe me, 1918 with the Spanish flu, nobody could get on Tinder. Today, with COVID, you could still get on Tinder. You could still have video dates. Now, I understand and I respect that it's not the same thing, but it's not halted either. So if we can find some appreciation for the fact that you are in Ontario and I'm in Austin, Texas, and we can have a conversation with each other today and marvel at this incredible thing that we have in our lives, we might start focusing more positively. I've had clients, two clients, as a matter of fact, who have gotten engaged in the last year, not only met guys, but got engaged in the last year. So I understand that it's rare, I understand that it's a little bit more difficult, but I'm not going to agree that it's impossible. And if you agree that it's impossible, then it's already game over. It's kind of like if you're an entrepreneur and you want to start a business and you keep telling me, Karen, 85% of businesses fail. And all I want to say is, but 15% don't. But 85% do. All right. Which side do you want to play for? I went Ryan when I was 40. I was already 40 years old, like Tina Turner. I was already 40. And a lot of people told me, you know, it's gonna be really hard at your age. You're practically dead. You know what I mean, Carlene? I said J Lo is 10 years older than me, and I don't see that stopping her. So I'm gonna go with J Lo's example and not your sad example. If you choose to believe better, you will create better. And I'm not asking you to reach for the stars here, just give yourself a 5% shot. Let me tell you the most exciting story here. My mom was diagnosed with stage four cancer in 2019. That was the worst thing that happened that year. I talk about it in the TED talk, and everybody said, including and she had many wonderful doctors listen, Mrs. Eldad, this doesn't look good. Prognosis is not good, the odds are not for you. And she kept saying, What odds are for me? And you know, it's been a year and a half, and unbelievably, she has made a full recovery. She is 100% cancer free. So all I can say is maybe it won't cure cancer, but what have you got to lose? What have you got to lose? At least try to believe better. Most of us will marry somebody wonderful, hopefully, at least the second time around. Just go for it.

Carlene 14:18

Yeah, yeah. That's some great advice for whoever's listening. I think I believe what you're saying because I think it, like you said with the business, it takes just the mindset.

SPEAKER_00 14:28

I agree. You know, there's a reason why men have advantages over women in in work. And it's because when they're kids, they're socialized to play sports, to learn how to fail and get up and fail and get up and win. And we don't do that so much. I want us to all get into that mindset and level the playing field. It's okay if you fall, it's okay if you mess up. God will never give you something you cannot solve. You will figure this out. You're gonna figure this out one way or another. You might as well. You might as well try. You might as well show up because if you don't show up, you're definitely not gonna make anything happen.

Carlene 15:05

Yeah. So what's the plan? You're married, you've been married now, and you're planning like a big thing when I guess things are better.

SPEAKER_00 15:13

It's gonna be huge, it's gonna be amazing. It's given me a lot of time to, you know, choose many dresses, not just one. And we bought a house in the meantime, we've done a whole bunch of stuff. I completely changed my business because of COVID. I had to pivot very, very quickly, uh, like everybody else. And I just think that uh this whole year has been so interesting because as crummy as it has been, it has allowed us to focus, to focus back. It reminded me, this year reminded me of the 80s and the 90s when I was a little kid, where you didn't have very much to do, you didn't have many screens to stare at. So you actually had to think. You actually had to read. You actually had to ask yourself what you cared about. That was a wonderful thing for me to go back to the 90s that way. And I hope that at very least people can see that there was some focusing that has come with this too.

Time Is Not The Problem

Carlene 16:10

Yeah, time makes us look back in time. And um, I don't know, but you said you watched the Tina Turner documentary, I watched the Audrey Hepburn documentary, and it just reinforces like back then it was a different time. I read this thing, and I think for anyone who's listening, um, it said, if you are not gonna use the time that you're given now, it had nothing to do with time. That's true.

SPEAKER_00 16:38

It's so completely true. Uh time is arbitrary. When people argue and say to me, I don't have the money, I don't have the contacts, I don't have the resources. I'm like, no. You think other people have more time than you? We're all moving through the exact same time. I don't care how busy you think you are, you and I both have 24 hours a day, period. But I will say that you can have more desire, more wherewithal, more guts. It's you, not time. And that's the difference, I think, between superstars and non-superstars. Non-superstars will always argue for what they don't have and really be very compelling about it. They want to, and if they want to be right, I never argue with them. But superstars are ready to be happy, and they understand that this isn't a question of having resources, it's about being resourceful. Resourceful with nothing or having a little bit. Like I mean, you I had $37 when I launched this business. I lost everything. Not only was I abused in the marriage, but I was also screwed in the divorce. And then after the divorce, because I guess that's how the world works sometimes, I lost all my remaining items in a fire, and both of my cats died. And so I was living on a friend's couch. I was 36 years old at the time, and I literally had 37 bucks. And I thought, how the hell did I end up here? I went to an Ivy League school, I've done everything right. I married a tall guy. What the hell? And this is when I started to really reach for a different solution. I thought, it cannot be luck, it cannot be about resources. I still have me, I'm still here. I am smart, I am capable, I'm excited about life, I can do this. And just with that, and the help of some really meaningful teachers, little by little, not overnight, but little by little, we created a whole new path forward. The Reverend Michael Beckwith said, There can be nothing and nowhere, and out of nowhere and nothing will come your miracle. You have to believe that, because if you don't, you ain't going nowhere. Wow, powerful words there. Yeah.

How To Pitch A TED Talk

SPEAKER_00 18:53

How do you get on a TED Talk? How do you I'll tell you, it's a great uh, and I teach a lot of people how to do this now. So the first thing you need to have is a really legit good idea and an original idea. Easier said than done. It's just like you know how a lot of people think they have a great podcast to put out there. 1.3 million podcasts in the United States, most of them last maybe six episodes. So you really want a compelling original idea, a well-researched idea, an idea that only you can really talk about from your perspective. So you need to know what the idea is, why this idea, why now, and for whom? Who is this for? Who does this apply to? Then, once you're ready with that, you start to create your notes about what this talk is going to be about. And then you go on the TED.com website and you start to scan the upcoming talks. As you scan the upcoming talks, look for the talks in the next at least three months out for about a year out, and look for the ones that are very close to you. I wouldn't really recommend going too far with a TED talk because there's a lot of preparation involved and rehearsal, and you're much better off being somewhere convenient to you. And then you start to pitch. Each one of these usually has a submission form, something like that. They ask you to do, in many cases, a one-minute audition where you go, Hi Ted, I'm Carlene. And my TED talk is why cats are better than dogs. Discuss. And um, once you are done pitching this at least 20 times, really solidly, you wait. And if it's good, I promise you, just gonna be a question of time. And then you're gonna have to write a 12-minute talk, which by the way is way harder. I speak for a living, way harder than writing a long talk. Know it down pat and go kill it for the audience.

Carlene 20:48

Wow, you just helped some, you know, me.

SPEAKER_00 20:52

If I'm thinking about doing that at some point, that's that's a like serious um it's a really good thing, and it's definitely, I mean, a TED talk isn't a groundbreaker, I think, by any uh measure, but it's like being in front of a camera like myself. Oh, you're and you're gonna hate it, but it's okay because uh again, Carlene, let me give you a tip here. If you rehearse within an inch of your life, that's the reason people should rehearse. I think a lot too many people think I'm gonna wig it or I'm I remember the highlights and I'll be fine. You get really nervous in the beginning of a talk, even when you're a very seasoned speaker. You do not want to get nervous. Only when you know things perfectly do you not get nervous. So you should know this backwards and forwards. And rehearse is the only way to do that. I think that uh when you do, it's really a boon to your career. Everybody will always introduce you by mentioning your TED talk, just as they mention your book, that this they mention that I've been in Harvard Business Review and things like that. So it's a major coup. So I recommend that anybody who wants to do it should go for

Living With Uncertainty

SPEAKER_00 21:56

it.

Carlene 21:56

Yeah, I was um one of the things that you said during your TED T. Which was really interesting is if you are not willing to live with uncertainty.

SPEAKER_00 22:06

Uncertainty may be uncomfortable, but certainty is ridiculous. If you are not willing to live with a little bit of uncertainty, you will never enjoy innovation or progress of any sort in your life. Think about it. Anybody who is not willing to know that they don't know what they don't know, which is what the talk is about, to have a little bit of humility and stop making assumptions about what you see as the be all end all. You will start to allow new possibilities to emerge. But if you say, No, I got this, I know this already, Karen, I know that global warming is happening and we're all gonna die. Well, I mean, why even get up in the morning? Why even wait? Just die now. Instead, I prefer to think I don't really know that. I'm not saying it might not happen. I'm just saying, who knows? Maybe someone will come up with something. It's possible. In my lifetime, I have seen the internet emerge, the Soviet Union dissolve, the state of Israel completely transformed. That's where I'm originally from. I really don't know what's gonna happen. These are amazing things and they are outside of our control. And if we could just sit with them for a while, kind of be okay with the fact that things are evolving and really try to be as proactive and solution-oriented as possible, I'm pretty sure we might enjoy a better outcome than we anticipated.

Carlene 23:35

That's great, Karen. I'm with Karen Al Dad. Thanks to Zoom. Zoom is amazing. I have talked to people in you are my first person in Texas. I've talked to someone in New York, um, Malaysia, you know, like it's been an amazing year, like you said. Nothing can stop us. I think it's just your mindset, like every day, waking up every day and hoping for the best and just doing what you can and doing what you're passionate about. And you're passionate about what it seems like love, right? You're passionate about helping people, and that's what you do, which is so

Madonna Favorites And Pop Icons

Carlene 24:10

great. Oh, I wanted to ask you because we were talking about you know your TED talk, but you also told me that you love Madonna. So what is your what is your favorite Madonna song?

SPEAKER_00 24:20

Do you have one? Do you have more than one? So that's obviously like asking you which is your favorite cat. That's not a possible thing to answer, but I will tell you that I prefer early Madonna to later Madonna. Okay, that's for sure. And that's all, of course, because of the memories. I I find her to be a very strange human, but an incredible artist. And she's inspired me a lot. I think some people were put on this earth to almost allow life to go through them so that we can benefit from their life. It's almost like they put themselves on an altar to allow us to see more light, like Tina Turner going through a fire so that we can see more light. Audrey Hepburn, uh again, living a life that was difficult in many ways so that we can absorb their light. And in that sense, I see them as saints.

Carlene 25:15

Yeah, it's the classics. Okay, so you said you can't say one song, but can you name a few? Sure.

SPEAKER_00 25:21

Number one, borderline, obviously. Number two, like a prayer. And if you don't get up and dance to like a prayer, again, it's like saying that you don't like puppies. And number three, which is a really odd choice, but I absolutely adore it, is called Drowned World, a substitute for love, which is a song that she wrote when she was 40 after she had a baby and started to just see the whole world differently.

Carlene 25:51

Okay, well, I have to listen to that now because I I haven't I don't remember that one.

SPEAKER_00 25:55

And I it is exactly like Sean Mendez in absolutely no way.

Carlene 26:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 26:00

Oh, I love how you tie that in there because we were just talking about Sean Mendez. It is nothing like Sean Mendez. You know who I love actually right now?

Music As A Bridge With Others

SPEAKER_00 26:10

I love the weekend, like I'm obsessed, but that's because he sounds like the 80s.

Carlene 26:14

Yeah, yeah. I love the weekend. Did you like his performance at the Super Bowl? Yes, you did. Okay, some people were like I don't care.

SPEAKER_00 26:25

I love a good performer. I love anybody who goes to that length to try to put on a good show. It's just respect, man, you know? Yeah, they spend so much money.

Carlene 26:35

It's free publicity. I mean, it's like it reignites your flame for that person. I remember when Missy Elliott came back and did her, I was like, I it reignited my love for Missy Elliott. I'm like, oh my god, I gotta Janet Jackson too.

SPEAKER_00 26:48

Malfunction aside, Janet Jackson too. The Super Bowl is a really big deal. And whenever you see an artist put on a huge show like that, if anybody understood what it takes to perform at that level, it's too easy to criticize, if you ask me. I thought he would did an incredible job and it was a beautiful show. No, it was also the music's awesome.

Carlene 27:08

Love the weekend. He's got so many great songs. Yeah, yeah. I think it helps us now. You know what I mean? It gives you like that little boost.

SPEAKER_00 27:15

Yeah. I think music is like anything else, it just gets you back to the essence of who you are. Yeah. I mean, even if you meet people who are very strange, like um, I live in Texas, so there are a lot of people who are politically quite different from me. If they can remember that we all like very similar music and we all like similar food, we can get back to having a decent conversation. We're all much more alike than we're unalike.

Carlene 27:42

Yeah. Music and and food. I think music, food brings people together. Yeah. Um, I did that last summer. I I think like, you know, the inclusivity, like I play volleyball, and one way to bring everyone together is if we do a potluck. And it did, it brought like so many people together during these times, especially. But yeah, you you just nailed it right on the head there. So it's an interesting thing that you have a love for Madonna. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 28:10

Like every woman and gay man my age. Yes, I have a thing for Madonna.

Carlene 28:15

Yes, the classics.

SPEAKER_00 28:17

It's all about the classics. I I went to see her two years ago at the Brooklyn Academy of Music, and it was literally every gay 40-year-old in New York City and me. That's a great thing.

Carlene 28:31

We're the Madonna fans, yes, yes. I miss, I miss, I think I like now that it's been like almost two years, I miss concerts like so much together, right? I think we we've we've slowed down a lot and it makes us miss and understand the things that maybe we took for granted, right? And it's it's bringing us together in in more ways than one, but and appreciate, appreciate more quite frankly.

SPEAKER_00 28:56

Like, why not? It's such a great thing, no?

Carlene 28:58

Yeah, and it's so great to have you on the show to share your experience all the way in Austin, Texas.

What Healthy Love Feels Like

Carlene 29:05

You know, we were talking about relationships, and you know, you've been in a relationship now for three years and you have four pets. Yeah. Um, tell me, what is the the one thing that you love about your other half?

SPEAKER_00 29:20

He's very thoughtful and he reads a lot, and that we definitely love to read, and that's something that we have in common. I think the best thing that you can ask for a partner though is that they leave you alone, they kind of let you be who you are. The nicest thing is to be with somebody who really lets you be exactly who you are. If he likes he loves camping and fishing, I'm a vegetarian and I don't really love the outdoors that much. There I said it. I get worried about mosquitoes and stuff. So just let him be, let him do what he loves. He comes with me to Madonna concerts. The guy has never listened to Madonna in his life. I think it's a really lovely thing when you can appreciate the other person without wanting to change them. Really allowing them to be who and what they are. That is the best gift that you can give to anyone you love.

Carlene 30:15

Yeah. So did you did you think that this person would be your person? You know?

SPEAKER_00 30:21

Yeah, probably pretty much in the beginning because I started to watch him. I first of all I'm trained to watch people's behavior, right? That's that's sort of what I do for a living. But within about six dates, I would say I was kind of thinking there's something about this guy that's very different. And it wasn't so much about him, it was about the dynamic between us. The best way I can describe it to you, Carlene, is the way Jerry Seinfeld described meeting his wife. Seinfeld met his wife, Jessica, to whom he is still married, when he was almost in his mid-40s. Until then, he had been, as he says, having a wonderful time as a single person. Then he met this woman, and he said that the first time she came to his house, which was very early in their relationship, he felt no shift in energy. He didn't feel like there was a new person in the house. He didn't feel nervous or anxious at all. He just felt as comfortable in his own house as he always felt. That's the feeling. That's the feeling. I remember it like it was yesterday. I remember one of the first times Ryan came over, he was with his dog, who is now my dog, Noli. And they walked in, and it was almost as if they'd always like they were part of the furniture or something. They'd always been there.

Carlene 31:41

Wow. That's an interesting way of putting it, but I think it's like you're comfortable with that person and you know, like this is the person that you can spend like all your time with. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 31:52

And even if it's not like, I mean, I wouldn't say that it was an instantaneous you've lived here forever. Let's just because we're definitely at a different degree of intimacy today. I never felt like he was watching me or I had to pretend to do something or be something that I wasn't around him. I wasn't walking on eggshells. You know, like none of that happened. That was really nice. I think that's what Jerry Seinfeld was trying to say about his wonderful wife.

Carlene 32:17

Yeah. And you, and you, you know, you you went through like a really hard relationship too. And, you know, you can relate to Tina. And that's really thanks for sharing that. Like, I mean, the fact that you're able to share that is important too, because someone who's listening can, you know, hear your story and still believe that even though you've been through like a hard time in life, like you still have that belief that you could find the person that you're supposed to be with. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_00 32:44

Like, no, absolutely. And it's so funny because now I see how clearly and how easily I fell into this wonderful, easy, comfortable relationship. Today, if I look back, just if anybody's worried, wondering if their relationship is easy.

Early Red Flags Of Control

SPEAKER_00 32:59

Well, let me tell you about what the last marriage was like. You know, on our first date, I remember him saying, How old are you? Because you look like you're over 30. And he was trying to insult me when he said that. And he kind of pinched my arm. I may I must have weighed like 117 pounds at the time. And he was still like behaving like I was fat, which became a theme throughout our marriage. He called me fat almost every day. When somebody insults you, even lightly, anywhere near the beginning, I hope that makes your ears perk up. They're probably trying to control you, they feel insecure. There is no reason to ever insult anyone for any reason. Ever. It's never acceptable. There's no such thing as a gentle insult. And so the reason I'm open about that is because I think that you know, Carlene, more people than you think are in this predicament. And I wish everybody this kind of love. Freedom. That's what I want for them, for me, and for Tina Turner.

Carlene 33:57

I think a lot of people are in this predicament. That's why I started doing shows on uh more focus on mental health and like all these discussions, because I feel like more now than ever, we're spending more time inside, and and there is no like you can't just run out like how you want to, and it's true.

SPEAKER_00 34:15

And the domestic abuse has gone up way, way, way up, right? And so, and a lot of people I think are just starting to be in this weird mode where they're like okay with settling, never settle. That's not love. Settling is not love. I don't care how many people are telling you you're over 35, you might as well compromise. No, why did J Lo compromise? I don't think so. Yeah, and J Lo's been married quite a few times, right? You know, and respect. I mean, for whatever she's going through right now, like I I'm not worried about that woman. You know what I mean?

Carlene 34:47

Yeah, yeah. If she can, you know what? If if she can do it, anybody can do it, like you said. I think um we can't give up, we really can't. And and I think you've just made that very clear. And I agree sharing that, yeah. Like, I feel your energy. You're not in the room with me, but I feel that aura that you're bringing across, and it's very important, like you know. So thank you for I feel the love too.

SPEAKER_00 35:12

And I hope everybody goes out there, reads books like Love Will Find You by Catherine Alice, which I hope you'll put for everybody in the show notes and listens to there's an episode on coached my podcast called Date with Enthusiasm. Just do anything you can to stay positive and to it's okay if you can't get there every single time, but to believe in love and to not give up because it's so worth it.

Never Settle And Stay Hopeful

SPEAKER_00 35:38

And if anybody out there can hear my example, not only am I not in the disaster situation of before, but love after 40, man. You can too.

Carlene 35:49

Yes, yes. I'm gonna be 37 in like a few days. You're a fetus, you're a tiny little baby.

SPEAKER_00 35:56

You're a little baby. I'm a little baby. Thank you. And I'm sure a lot of people are like, oh my god, aren't you worried? You only have two years left. You need to tell everybody to calm down.

Carlene 36:09

Yes, it's so true. You know what I mean? It's I think that's what it is.

SPEAKER_00 36:13

Like you're looking at the clock, and I'm like, oh my god, I'm gonna be I'm 30, gonna be 37, and you know one day you're gonna be 47, and you're gonna be like, what an idiot that young Carlene was. Right. And I tell you, I'm gonna send you that email and be like, Ken, you were right. You were right. Oh my god, I was only 37. I was a little fetus, and and some idiots who I've never met convinced me that 37 is a big age. Yeah, yeah. What are you talking about, man? Remember what you said about time? It's not the time, you're the problem.

Carlene 36:53

Yeah, no, it isn't about the time because it took me like eight years. It took me a long time to get to this point. So yeah, we some of us take a little bit longer than others, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_00 37:04

It's like yes, but we have a process, we have a process, and you have to trust the process, yeah, for sure.

Where To Find Karen Eldad

Carlene 37:12

Well, thank you, Karen Ldad, for being a guest on the show. How can people find you? You you said like you do coaching, so thank you, Carlene.

SPEAKER_00 37:21

Well, you can always read more on Karen Ldad.com. Karen is spelled with two E's, so it's not like the memes on Instagram where a woman is constantly looking for the manager or has a lot of cats, just k-e-r-e-n-el-d-a-d dot com, and you can listen to the coached podcast on iTunes or on lipsin. I uh put out new episodes every two weeks, and all I do is answer people's questions. If anybody has a question that they'd like to ask a mental health counselor and a coach, submit it and we'll answer it on an upcoming show.

Carlene 37:54

Sounds great. Thank you again, Karen. Uh, I'm Carleen, and this is Carleen Tonight with Karen Al Dad. Hi, I'm Carleen, and this is Carleen Tonight. We

Closing And Featured Song

Carlene 38:05

have for you Altered by Mom, you can do what you want with my heart babe. This song is actually featured on CBC's Kim Convenience season five, episode two. If you're a Kim Convenience fan, I definitely suggest you check it out. Again, Altered by Mom, you can do what you want with my heart, babe.

SPEAKER_01 38:34

My feelings low bubble. I float away, I look for an accent I usually can't find. My body doesn't listen.

SPEAKER_03 38:50

If I gotta talk about it, I want you to know about your job.