40, Fabulous & Finally Figuring It Out

Forty can arrive with confetti and a quiet crisis at the same time. 

I’m Carlene Humphrey, and I’m now kicking off my This Is 40 series with the real story behind why this milestone changed me: the joy of celebrating with friends, the shock of hearing new health concerns, and the moment I realized I had to advocate for myself instead of accepting one scary answer.

We get honest about the pressure of life timelines and the way society expects women to hit certain markers by certain ages. I talk about what it feels like to look back and think, “I didn’t do what I was supposed to do,” and how those beliefs get louder when you grew up without support. I also share how negative self-talk can be rooted in childhood emotional abuse, and why doing the work on mental health is not optional if you want peace in your relationships, your career, and your own skin.

You’ll hear why I believe therapy matters, how stigma keeps people silent, and what “start somewhere” can look like if you’re struggling with depression, anxiety, or feeling broken. We also touch on generational trauma in the Caribbean diaspora, the deep impact of words, and why your community and chosen family can be the difference between quitting and continuing.

If any part of this hits home, listen all the way through, share it with someone who needs a push, and subscribe so you don’t miss what comes next. After you listen, leave a review and tell me: what’s one decision you made that changed your life path?

This episode reflects the opinions of Carlene Humphrey the host of Diva Tonight- I am not a counselor or therapist - I am just sharing my personal experience.

If you're looking for a therapist or someone to talk to here are a few suggestions:  

For assistance with crisis, please contact:

Distress Centre of Toronto:  416-408-4357

Gerstein Crisis Centre:  416-929-5200 

Assaulted Women’s Help Line: 416-863-0511

Toronto Rape Crisis Centre/Multicultural Women Against Rape: 416-597-8808

Suicide and Crisis Hotline (Canada Wide): 1-800-448-3000

Mental Health Crisis Line (Canada Wide): 1-888-893-8333  

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:01

You're listening to Diva Tonight with Carleen Humphrey, a relationship podcast with a focus on life, love, and friendship. Welcome to Diva Tonight.

Why Create The This Is 40 Series

Life Timelines And Social Pressure

Bad News And Self Advocacy

Healing Work And Breaking Stigma

Friends As Family And Next Steps

How To Stay Connected

Carlene 0:12

Hi, I'm Carleen, and this is Diva Tonight. I'm the host of the show, and we are currently working on a series called This Is 40. And the reason I decided to create this series is because I was actually having a conversation with my good friend Kasen. And we've been friends now for how long? Like 20 years. And he's always given me advice on the podcast. And I was telling him, you know, that about my plans for my 40th birthday, which turned out to be absolutely amazing. I didn't expect that many people to show up for my 40th. But yeah, I had my birthday party at a restaurant downtown Toronto called Jump. And most of my sisters were able to make it. I'm the oldest out of uh five girls. And then I have a baby sister who's 25 and another sister who's 30. And so there's a big age gap between all of us. But me, my closest sister, who are three years apart, we're the ones that like grew up together. I took her everywhere with me. And so when I reflect back on turning 40, I think that's when in life, I think that's when you start to reflect on your life and what your goals are and what you stand for as a person. And I guess they're they're right when they say this. It's you're more comfortable in your skin at 40. And I think the one thing I have to say as a podcaster and a host is that I took a while, I took a long break from podcasting diva, especially focusing on D.Va tonight. But now that I'm back, I'm working on this series because I believe that 40 is a different stage in your life. In your 30s, like, you know, you're still figuring things out. And, you know, society makes it really, really hard for women to do certain things that doesn't necessarily follow a trend. I think what I have to say is that I listen to a lot of podcasts, and Mel Robbins podcast said it best in one of her episodes that, you know, statistics show that, you know, you're supposed to, you know, be in college and at 18 and finish it at 22, and that in our 30s, in your 30s, you're supposed to be in a relationship and you're married. And even though those are the examples that we see, doesn't always pan out that way. And I think life is the one thing that we don't always, we're not always able to plan for things. You can plan the outcome in terms of, you know, where you go to school, who uh what you study, and what you do with your life. But when you get older and you're you have a plan and you want these things to happen, it doesn't always pan out that way because of, you know, financial circumstances, uh, where you are in life, you know, the people you have in your community. And as someone who didn't have the best parents, I didn't have the greatest mom and dad. I didn't have parents who supported me. I did a lot of it on my own. And so in when we talk about who we are in life and where we are in life, I think that's where you need to reflect on your life and where you want to be and not allow anyone else to stop you. And that for sure is the hardest thing. It's easier said than done. And I grapple with it all the time, you know, negative self-talk because when I was a kid, I didn't have positive reinforcement, I didn't have positive role models. My mother did not say nice things to me when I was a kid. I felt like I could never really please my parents. And so now that I'm 40, I don't think about those things anymore because I've moved on with that and I've done a lot of work on my mental health because it's super important. And that's why I think at this stage in the game that when we talk about women in their 40s, career women, women who are driven, women who are uh strong, there's more to it than just what you see on the outside. We have many layers to us. And I think the reason I started this series is so that I can learn and teach others about the struggles of turning 40. Because when I turned 40, I already had a few hurdles along the way and I felt like I was stuck because not necessarily stuck, but I felt like, oh my goodness. You know, I didn't I didn't do certain things at a certain age. And now when I go see my doctor, my doctor's telling me about these health concerns that I have that are going to prevent me from doing certain things in my life now at 40. And so, you know, at that part, at that stage, when I finally had that conversation with the gynecologist, I'm like, you know what? I need a second opinion. There's gotta be more to this than than one what doctor is saying, because I think we all have to be advocates for ourselves. And I think when I got the bad news, it hit me like a ton of bricks. And I'm like, I feel, you know, like I was forced to make certain decisions, and I'm still grappling with those decisions now, and I'm still, you know, talking to my therapist about what I'm gonna do and what's the best outcome for me. And, you know, whatever happens, happens. I think, you know, our faith is what keeps us going, or whatever you believe in is what keeps you going. But at the end of the day, the reason I created this series is because I want to leave an impact. I want women and men, even if you're a guy, you know, I want you, uh, if you are a man or a woman, I want you to learn certain things that are important in life. And I think health isn't more important than anything else. Your mental health, your sanity is more important. And I think, you know, we need to stop judging people for the issues that they have so that people can talk about it openly without feeling like there's something wrong, you know. We we have platforms like Bell Let's Talk. And those are the platforms that are great, but that's just touching the surface when we when we think about it. And I think, you know, now that it's been five years since Diva Tonight started, I want to say that this is a reminder that the conversation needs to keep going, it needs to continue. And it all starts with one person, all it takes is one person to change your mind, to influence others. And I believe that you know there's one person who's gonna help us change. And if if that person is me, or if that person is someone else who is going to help you change your your life in one way or another to work on your dreams, I hope that that is that because they say it takes a village to raise a child. It takes a village to raise a child, and it's so true. And I think as someone who didn't have the best family structure, who had I lived in a very dysfunctional structure life. I think it was the hardest thing for me to do, to get through. There's there were so many points in my life where I thought, I don't know how I'm gonna do this. I don't know how I'm gonna finish university. I don't know how I'm gonna finish high school. I don't know how I'm gonna there's so many points in my life where I was like, I was broken down because I had a mom who only said negative things to me. She didn't, she wasn't a positive role model, and I was dealing with emotional abuse and other toxic things, you know, I was living in a toxic home environment, as they say, it was chaos. And so as I reflect on my life today as a woman who is in her 40s, I have to tell you that if it doesn't kill you, it makes you stronger, it makes you more resilient, and that if you put your mind to it, you can do anything. And the reason I can do what I'm doing now is because of my close friends. I think my close friends are my family, and those are the people who were there on my 40th birthday. They weren't all there. I wish they were. Um, some of my close friends couldn't make it, but I think those are the people who have helped me get to where I am now and who remind me that I have goals and that I have dreams and that I can't give up on what I'm here to do. Like we all, a lot of us have a purpose in life. And I think in many ways, my purpose is to share information with others, to help others, to educate others, and to be the change that I want to be. I want to change generational trauma. I want to change the way that many parents treat their children in the Caribbean diaspora. I don't know how I'm going to do it, but I think that the one thing I have to say is that words have an impact. Words run deep. And when you are in it, it's hard. And then when you get out of it and you're you're in a relationship with other people who didn't grow up in an environment that was negative and that didn't have positive reinforcements, it shows up and you have to work on yourself no matter what. I don't care. I think it's important to see a therapist. I think there's stigma associated with that. If if not a therapist, then I don't know, mm-hmm in a different way. If that means reading more, if that means going to group therapy or going to the gym or going to workshops to improve yourself because of that toxic family dynamic, then do it. Because at the end of the day, you have to live with yourself. And that is why I believe that I started this journey to share the things that that are hard to share. It took me a really, really long time to get here. And I think that we're all in this together, we're all on a journey in life, and we we share things that we're comfortable sharing. And it takes it takes courage to to share things that are hard. And it takes courage to do things that are supposedly are there to make you stronger. So here I am. And so I hope that in the process that you are listening to this uh conversation that it will motivate you to get the help that you need. Because if you're struggling, if you're depressed, you're feeling broken, you have to start somewhere. We all do. I think we all need a little push sometimes. And that's what I want to share with you. So, you know, it's important to work on you because if you don't, nobody else will. No one else is gonna make you do it. I'm Carleen, and this is Diva Tonight.

SPEAKER_01 13:21

Thanks for listening to Diva Tonight. Follow us on Instagram at DivaOnTheRadio. That's D.Va with two eyes. And don't forget to follow us on TikTok at Diva on the Radio for more clips and conversations you'll love. Want to share your thoughts or send us a message? Text us anytime at divatonight.budsprout.com. Until next time, stay fabulous.