The Six Pillars Of Secure Love- Bryan Power

We sit down with relationship coach Bryan Power to unpack integrated attachment theory and the six pillars that can change how we love, fight, and repair. We connect the dots between childhood wounds, midlife turning points, and the practical tools that helped Brian rebuild his marriage after a separation.
• six pillars of integrated attachment theory: core wounds, needs, emotional stability, boundaries, communication, behaviors
• how early childhood patterns shape adult attachment and conflict
• why wounds can intensify in your 40s and 50s and show up as “midlife crisis” moments
• what happened leading up to separation and why space can create clarity
• how learning to meet needs and regulate emotions reduces pressure on a partner
• boundary setting as protection rather than punishment
• communication that prioritizes understanding over defensiveness
• what to do when your partner will not do the work and why one person changing still matters
• why healing the subconscious patterns matters when willpower is not enough
If you would like to know about IAT check out Bryan Power information
Go to his website myrelationshipfail.com. 
You can take the attachment style quiz from there. It’s free to do that. 
If you decide you want somebody to work alongside with you, please contact me. I’ll also give you a free session. 

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Transcript

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Welcome And Guest Introduction

SPEAKER_02 0:01

You're listening to Diva Tonight with Carlene Humphrey, a relationship podcast with a focus on life, love, and friendship. Welcome to Diva Tonight.

Carlene 0:12

Hi, I'm Carlene, and this is Diva Tonight. We're going to change things up a little bit, and I have with me a very special guest. His name is Brian Power. He is a coach. He's also a podcast guest. He's a dad and he's a husband. And we are going to be talking a little bit about integrated attachment theory.

SPEAKER_01 0:41

Yeah. We're going to see if we can help some of you divas uh have better relationships today.

Carlene 0:48

Yeah, relationships.

Six Pillars Of Attachment Healing

Carlene 0:50

Yeah, you know what? I'm I I'm not very well versed in integrated attachment theory, but I know that in our previous talk that you mentioned that there's six core elements um that you have to think about when you're when you're doing the practice or just changing your lifestyle, right?

SPEAKER_01 1:12

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. So uh first of all, thanks for having me on the show today, Carlene, on the 7th of the year and you know, excited to share the information that we're about to you know talk about here tonight. Yeah, this type this information really changed my relationship between my wife and I last year when we had a really crazy 2024, a lot of things went really crazy in South and ended up with a restraining order. We ended up separated for a few months. And the restraining order is just more for emotional stability, it wasn't had nothing to do with you know, emotional safety had nothing to do with physical um, you know, threat or anything like that. But that's how crazy things got. But the integrated attachment theory program was something that I came across in the middle of all that, and it really was a game changer, in my opinion, to uh to help us rebuild our relationship. And it's part of what keeps us having a good relationship today. And so, um, yeah, so the six pillars that um I learned about were number one, your core wounds. Those are the subconscious thoughts that we have that really kind of drive the subconscious brain, and a lot of our decisions are made by the subconscious, and so a lot of times we're doing things subconsciously that we don't even realize what we're doing uh because of some of the wounds that we've carried throughout our lives, and and now we're doing this into our relationships and it's really causing problems. So, first of all, it's the core wounds, second of all, it's our needs, learning how to really kind of you know what our needs are, and then learning how to fulfill our needs mostly on our own, which is huge. Um, number three is emotional stability. How do we gain, you know, how do we deal with our emotions? How do we uh learn to use our emotions for to for information? Because that's all we you know, that's all the emotions really are, is just trying to tell us something. Um, so what is it trying to tell us? That's what we have to learn, uh, learn that, and then also how to control the emotions a little bit, right? Number four is our boundaries. How do we set good, healthy boundaries? That's a really important one. I always feel like the boundaries are like the fence around the house, and we're the house, and so the boundaries kind of protect us, right? So, how do we do that? Number five is our communication. How do we communicate in relationships in a way that actually works? Because so many, so many relationships, everybody talks about the real, you know, there's no communication, lack of communication. It's not that we're not trying to communicate, it's just that we don't know how to do it in a way that actually works, and that's part of the problem. Um if I I always say if I'm talking English and somebody else is talking Chinese, we may be trying to say the same thing. We just may never completely understand each other because we just can't figure it out. So we have to learn how to communicate in a way that works. And last but not least is our behaviors. How do we change our behaviors so that we're working in a in a really good positive way and we're you know, our behaviors aren't you know destroying what we have and you know causing problems, our behaviors are actually moving us in the in a better direction. And those six core elements really, when you work on all six, it really is a game changer for any relationship. And that's what really I think you know changed the dynamics of my wife and I. We have a really great relationship today. I I think primarily because of a lot of that, uh, those six core elements and a lot of the you know, just the work that we've done on ourselves to kind of learn this stuff and uh improve what we have. So I'm excited to uh to you know have learned this stuff and uh excited to share that opportunity, you know, that type of stuff with you guys today.

How Childhood Chaos Shapes Love

Carlene 4:04

Yeah. And you know, you talk about six core relationships. I mean, six core things that you have to work on. And I think, you know, you talk about your relationship with your wife, and before you met your wife, there was a different Brian power. So I think it's always interesting to to talk about where you came from before where you got here and how you got here because those are the stepping stones to your life.

SPEAKER_01 4:32

Yeah.

Carlene 4:33

Do you agree with that? Because I I think it's true and everything. Yeah, no doubt. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 4:38

Yeah. What one of the things I learned from all this was just, you know, how we how we really carry a lot of subconscious wounds for that we pick up throughout our life. And most of those wounds are are really learned early on in our lives. The first seven years of a child's life is is really vital. And we learn a lot of how we kind of look at ourselves, look at the world, uh, look at relationships based upon the first seven to eight years roughly of our lives. And that's where a lot of our trauma and a lot of our perceptions come in. Now, that doesn't mean we can't learn some things along the way as we get older. We can certainly have traumatic experiences that can be a life-changing experience as well, even as we're older. But uh again, a lot of the our patterns are set early on in our lives. And and that's really what was my wife and I. We had, you know, both had some really crazy childhoods. You know, um, my parents were divorced when I was born. My mom was 21 years old with two boys, and you know, ex husband that was dealing with uh addiction. Um, and so that was uh that was and then she she we moved around a lot early on in my life. So the first 10 years of my life were really just filled with chaos and a lot of craziness and a lot of people that you know were coming in and around and you know, causing issues, partiers, you know, that type of atmosphere that, you know, kids really shouldn't be around per se. Um never really saw my mom in a good, healthy relationship for the first, you know, 15 years of my life. She would ultimately have a pretty good one later on, but but those first 15 years, you know, she struggled to have decent relationships. And so I never knew what a good relationship would look like growing up. And so, yeah, we were carrying now. My wife came from a similar background, her family was military, but very dysfunctional as well. A lot of abuse, her father was very abusive and just came through really tumultuous childhood. And so we were carrying these wounds into our adult lives and into our relationship, even later in life. And that's the crazy thing. I'm I was uh 55 at the time all this happened. Um, you know, so it was uh you know, she was 41, right? And so, you know, here we are later in life. Yeah, all of a sudden we're in this relationship. After eight years being in this relationship, all of a sudden a lot of our childhood trauma was playing out and would ultimately destroy, you know, almost destroyed completely what we had going. It would prove to be a a a good thing in the end because we, you know, because of the experience, because we you know things got so bad, we were able to really look at ourselves kind of figured out, heal, heal a lot of our wounds, and and then come back together and actually, you know, benefit from this experience of what you know what what evil meant for for you know what what was supposed to be meant for evil will really turn out to be something really a blessing. But you know, again, I was pretty lucky that that it happened that way. But so yeah, you can always turn things around, but that's kind of where the foundation was for us, yeah.

Why Your 40s Can Be A Reckoning

Carlene 7:03

So she's 41, she was 41 when this happened, and you're 55. So I'm 41. And when I turn 40, this is when I started this show and this journey. And I I tell you, I didn't think it would transpire this way. I didn't know that the series would continue on and just talking to so many different people in different focuses and facets of life, I noticed that, you know, 40 is that turning point in your life where you either make the change to be a better person or change your who you are and like, you know, like 20s, 30s are kind of like the the map where you make mistakes. But listening to you talk about like everything that you've been through, like in the last year and leading up to you know, that traumatic event, I can say this that if you don't fix the wounds, they will come out in one way or another. For me, like you, I grew up in a very dysfunctional household. My mom and my stepdad always yelling, and that's what I got used to. And so they say, like, your parents are an example of who you are, and you don't realize that you're behaving like them, and that's not the norm for other people until you're dating someone or you're hanging out with people that are like, why are you yelling? Why are you snapping? What is your problem? Like, you know, my first boyfriend, right? And so, like, just listening to you some of that, like, I mean, if you don't handle it, it comes up like over and over again in your life, right? And you have to figure out a way to to work through it to be better because you I mean you're gonna project that onto your kids too, you know.

SPEAKER_01 8:46

Yeah, if we don't heal these wounds, if we don't heal that that perception and kind of get this fixed fixed a little bit, then yeah, a lot of times it fessers. It's like a it's like a wound, it's like it's almost like uh you think of it like a cancer, if you will, right? So if you don't take care of it early on, it just gets worse and worse and worse until eventually it's really bad. And that's what I learned that if you don't handle a lot of these wounds, you know, as you get older, it actually does come out more. A lot of times these wounds come out more and more as we get older, and it becomes more of a critical stage, if you will. So, and that's why a lot of times people have midlife crisis, or you know, sometimes maybe they've been married for 20, 30 years and all of a sudden they're they're divorcing and you're like, how does that happen? You know, um it's because they never really kind of you know healed, never really got this right, and they've been having a relationship that really hasn't been fulfilling for a long, long time for whatever reason, right? But somewhere in there, there's there's some issues, and now it's you know coming into a bad spot where you know you don't want to have to deal with that, right? When you're 55, 60, as you get into your senior years, you want to be able to cruise a little bit and feel good about where you are in life and and kind of feel good about your situation. You don't want to have to be dealing with these wounds that you've never dealt with, you know, for for the last 50, 60 years, you know. So I think it's really important if we can learn this early on to really kind of set ourselves in a better path and really set ourselves up for really great stuff later on. So even if you're in your 40s, because you're right, I do think once you hit the 40s, things get critical. You know, it's a chance to really figure this out and get it right and get it on track and and maybe move forward. You you've learned a lot, you've been through a lot, you've had all these life experiences, and now it's time to really kind of figure out what's going on and how to do it right and improve it. If you don't, you're gonna end up like me at 55 dealing with that. And so yeah, anyway, I think this is really important stuff to learn as as early as we can, you know?

Carlene 10:23

Yeah.

Parenting Fights And The Breaking Point

Carlene 10:24

So what happened? I mean, I know what happened. I've listened to you talk about it, but you obviously ended up out of your house with a restraining order. And it seems to me like somebody blew a gasket, something happened that it got to this extent, right?

SPEAKER_01 10:43

Yeah, I mean, no, we we had a pretty good relationship, my wife and I. I mean, overall, there was no major problems, there was no, you know, addictions, there was no financial issues, no infidelity, anything like that. We just had different parenting styles a little bit, and and as my son was born, you know, as he started to grow, so he was born in 2019, and then COVID happened in 2020, and then the stress of the baby, stress of being inside, the different parenting styles was starting to come out, and that really started to cause you know a lot more fights over that, uh, more than anything. And then eventually we, yeah, we had a fight in early 2024. I'm really again about parenting again. And and at that point, she was, you know, she was said, you know, she's like, Hey, I think you need to go see a therapist to you know figure out what's going on with you. And I was like, fair enough. You know, like she challenged me to see a therapist. I was like, okay, I'll find, I'll go, you know, but I also challenge her to see a therapist because in my mind, she was the one with all the issues, right? And in her mind, I was the one with all the issues. And so that's the first thing I learned is that a lot of times we both have issues. We just, you know, we don't want to admit that we have them. And so our own wounds, our own, you know, inability to accept that you know, we may have some issues, uh, keeps us defending our our vision and and the way we do things and thinking that we're right. And it's hard to admit that, oh, maybe I'm doing all these things wrong. Again, we we don't want you to figure that out, right? So, but that's the first step. The first step is to say, you know what, I think I have something going on here. I need to figure this out. Let me take a look at it. How can I improve on some of these things? And that really began the journey of like us healing a little bit because she was seeing a therapist, I was seeing a therapist, but at the same time, that actually added some fuel to the to the fire, if you will, because a lot of the childhood trauma that she was dealing with, she was seeing a childhood trauma specialist, and that was adding to a lot of her emotional uh state, if you will. She was going to the therapist sometimes and coming home really highly emotionally charged. And it uh it just really was she was distressed emotionally constantly. And it really was just became an emotional clash, you know. The more she tried to pull away a little bit, the more I was trying to save the family, put it, keep everything together, didn't really understand what was going on, and then and that really caused the problem. So we just became, you know, began to emotionally clash, and and that's all it was. And then after four months of completely emotionally clashing, that's when the restraining order came. And she just said, Okay, I can't do this anymore. I need to get some space some one way or another. And and that's when that's when that came about. And it would actually turn out to be one of the best things that ever happened to us because at that point I wasn't trying to fix the relationship anymore. I was just trying to move on with my life, figure myself out, figure out what to do, and move on. And um, and that gave her the space to kind of think about herself, her life, what she was, you know, doing wrong, and some of those things. And and that's really what happened is you know, that space created a time for us to both learn about ourselves and heal. And then after a few months of that, you know, we're able to kind of come back together and and actually kind of worked in a good thing, you

How They Met And Fell In Love

SPEAKER_01 13:22

know?

Carlene 13:22

Yeah. And so I mean, I want to pause that for a second because I I don't know if a lot of people have asked you this, but like, where did you meet your wife? Did you meet her at church? Like, I mean, obviously, from the sounds of it, you guys have been able to have a strong marriage until that breaking point where we have a difference of opinion and certain parenting stuff. So I'm just like, okay, yeah, how did you guys meet? How did we get you know what I mean? Like, obviously, there was a connection before all this happened, right?

SPEAKER_01 13:55

Yeah, crazy enough. I mean, I had met her um several weeks after I was actually engaged to somebody else, and uh that relationship ended. No way, yeah. That relationship ended. I met my wife a couple weeks after. No, we just started dating. She, you know, I wasn't like a full-on relationship right out of the gate. I wasn't ready for anything. She had she was recently separated from her husband, so she was about four or five months separated from her husband at the time. And so we just started to date, and uh, neither one of us was looking for anything particular. But as we spent more and more time together, you know, we would just laugh and have some really funny times and just really enjoyed each other's company. And it just kind of I think, you know, one day I just woke up and realized, like, wait a second, I this there's a really special girl here, you know, like it's this girl's different, you know. And uh I just started falling in love with her, and I think we just both fell in love with each other the more we spent time together, and uh, and that's where that started. I was living in Florida and Massachusetts at the time, so it's the first couple of years, I was spending half my year down there and half my year in Massachusetts, and um, and that worked for a couple of years, and then eventually we decided to yeah, uh move move up here permanently. Uh, my son was born in 2019, and and I've been here ever since 2019, so it's been six years where I've been here the whole time. And yeah, it was just one of those fun things, you know, and again, we never had major problems. Yes, we had little disagreements about certain things in life and you know, different ideas about you know, different worlds and you know, things that you know, our worldview was a little bit different and stuff. So, yeah, and the and the COVID thing really kind of stressed out, I think a lot of people out that had a lot of fuel to the fire. But I met my wife at a at a little local bar restaurant uh type of place, and um, and that's it. We just kind of hit it off and and it and it really just progressed, you know. It was one of those things that it wasn't love at first sight, it was just uh we really enjoyed each other. Certainly she was attractive and everything was good, but I think it was we neither one of us was in that position, I think, to fall in love right away. But again, it just took a little bit of time, and as that the more time we spent, and and that's the thing about I think the relationship we have today is like I love my wife more today than I probably did ever before. Like I love her more every day, right? So um, and that's a good thing. I think when you have that type of relationship, that's a that's a good place to

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Separation, Faith, And Doing The Work

Carlene 16:23

Well, the saying goes, it's very cliche, but sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you can rise again. Oh yeah. Yeah, and so I think like you guys are learning together. And so when the separation happened, what did you feel about like where you were in life? You know what I mean? Like, I mean, you guys obviously had like this great beginning, and then you know, 2019 slash 2020 happened, and it seems like a lot of us were dealing with that. So, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 16:52

I mean, when things fell apart, I mean, I was obviously pretty confused by it all. I I really didn't understand what was going on. I didn't understand what happened. It just seemed like seemed like it was a midlife crisis going on in uh on her side or something, and then that just triggered a lot of my wounds. And then so at that point I realized, wow, this is you know, it just I I just accepted that it was over though. I was just like, wow, it's hard to believe, but that's the way it's supposed to be, then that's what it is. And I'm a man of faith, so I just kind of trusted God would had a plan for this and and that at the end I would just kind of do the work I needed to do to learn. And and and I had already come across the integrated attachment theory program about a month before, you know, I left the house. And so I was fascinated by that work and decided I was just going to continue to learn all that stuff. And as it was, I wound up moving in with a friend of mine who was also dealing with divorce at the time. And so he was really struggling hard. And so together we were just able to help each other out. I knew that you know, God put me there for a reason, and we were able to kind of help each other through a really tough time. And you know, everything happens for a reason. I truly believe that. And so I just took it as a reason that I was, you know, I always say they call it a breakup, not a breakdown. And so I was gonna use that time to if we were breaking up, I was gonna level up, I was gonna move up, you know, one way or another. I was gonna move up on the ladder and have a better life and a better situation and a better relationship someday. And that was my attitude. And so I was just putting my head down and and putting, you know, getting to work and figuring that out and taking it a day at a time and you know, seeing eventually how that would land. And you know, and and it would it landed in a way that was kind of beyond what I ever thought would land. I never thought it would come back around where my wife and I would actually figure this out. But um, but as it was, that kind of work that we did allowed us the opportunity to have that happen. And so that's the key. I think when you're separated, you're in this struggle, you're having these tough times. I think it's important that we, you know, do our best to keep our head on our shoulders and and really just try to do some work and learn from the experience and you know, have a little faith and say, okay, what am I supposed to learn through this? How can I grow? How can I become a better person from this? I used to think I was being punished when I was dealing with these types of things, you know. I always felt like God was punishing me, but the truth is, I realized I was only being refined. I was only being being given a chance to grow and actually change so that it wasn't staying stuck in some of the negative stuff, you know, that I was in, if you will, even though again you can't see it, right? So so sometimes, you know, we have to get apart to get our attention and get the focus and be able to see, like, okay, wait a second, let's take a different look, a different perspective here. And then I was able to see when I'm in that relationship and in that environment, if you will. So, yeah, that time away would just prove to be invaluable. I challenge everybody. Yeah, if your relationship is at that critical stage, you know, just hang in there, you know, do the work. And I don't care how bad it looks, you can always, you know, anything can turn around. And next thing you know, you can actually, you know, have this turn around in a great way. And and the relationship you had before will be even better. Like my wife and I, like I'm thankful for the breakup now. You know, it was the toughest time of my life, but at the same time, look at how much we're being blessed now today because we both, you know, healed, we both learned from it, and now we're better off for it. And so I'm not stuck in a pretty good relationship. I'm just I'm now in a fantastic relationship, you know.

What Helped Them Reconnect

Carlene 19:48

When you think back, like we just talked about, like, you know, um the the rough patch and like just getting through that together and like working through it. But I think, you know, the same the stats are still true, like 50% of people go through divorce. So why what what made you what made you guys work through the relationship to get it to where it is now?

SPEAKER_01 20:08

I think we just both went on our own healing journey, and that's the thing. My wife was in the process of doing her own healing with the therapy that was she she was doing and and that time away, she continued to do that. And as she healed, as she started to realize like a lot of the things she thought were wrong with me were actually her own issues, and that was something that she would say to me that you know, um, which I also accepted and and also can feel the same way. A lot of the things I thought were wrong with her were also my own issues, and so you know, we were each other's mirror, and so um that time away, I think that's the key is we we just both decided to put our do some work and and learn from ourselves. And I don't think we were trying to fix it at that point. I think we're trying to fix ourselves and figure out our own stuff, and and that's what really happened because I wasn't doing the work to heal and and get her back, I was really doing the work so that I could be okay with her not coming back, right? And be strong enough and able to move on and just kind of accepting these things. And yeah, that's really wasn't my goal. And as it would turn out, that yeah, uh we were able to come back, but that wasn't the goal initially. The the goal was just to heal and learn and and grow from it. And I saw so many of my wounds, I understood that I had so many of these issues and from my own childhood and everything else I've been through. But again, I always I just had faith that that things were gonna work out for the good in in some way, somehow. As it turned out, so many good things happened. I've never seen so many good things happen for me in such a short amount of time, to be honest with you. Through all that struggle, you know, it was this one miracle after another, if you will, was put in my path. And uh literally after a couple of months, I was able to come back around and here we are today. So it's crazy, crazy journey.

Tools To Prevent A Slow Divorce

Carlene 21:36

So, yeah, it is a crazy journey because I mean, like even when I listened to your story or listened to you talk about it on another podcast, the one that I was able to listen to, um, which was interesting, is it's a thousand days sober podcast. Oh, okay, yeah, yeah. Um that was a very interesting conversation, but getting back to everything as a whole, so Because the series I'm working on is with women in their 40s and the relationships that we have with ourselves and each other and the work that you're doing, it seems to me like you just want to help other couples or other people who are in relationships that are at that breaking point to get the help that they need in order to change their relationships so that it doesn't end the way a lot of relationships end, right?

SPEAKER_01 22:31

Yeah, I'm on a mission to save, yeah, I'm just on a mission to save as many relationships as I can save, right? And that's you're right. I just, I just want to see people, you know, get some information, get some tools that they don't have, you know. So many of us just don't have the tools necessary to keep a good relationship together. And I always say there's nothing worse than losing the person you love, you know, in your life simply because you don't have the tools necessary to keep them. And so many relationships, we start off, we love each other, we're excited, we get married, we have kids, and and then all of a sudden, like several years later, the trauma, the you know, the lack of you know tools and inability to communicate, all these things that we're you know, we don't know how to do properly begin to add up. It's like a death, death by a thousand paper cuts, you know, all these little fights, all these little disagreements over time begin to wear us down. And eventually, 10 years, 15, 20 years later, whatever it might be, you know, now we're headed towards divorce and we're, you know, people are hating each other, and and it's all of a sudden you have this ugly, horrible situation. And you know, going through that stuff is really the most traumatic. It's really extremely traumatic and difficult and challenging. And so I want to see people not go there and and hopefully be able to have great, healthy, good relationships that are fulfilling that you know, you're not stuck in a relationship with somebody you're not in love with, somebody that you you you want to be with somebody that you love with and you can share life with, and but also know how to how to solve problems together and learn how to communicate in ways that actually move the needle and respect each other's boundaries and and really kind of help it, you know, fulfill each other's needs a little bit and all those things that you know are great to be in a relationship about, right? But if you're not there and you're just stuck in a mediocre one, you know, that's not really great either, right? So even if you if you wind up spending 30, 20, 30 years together, but it's not really exciting and wonderful, then you know, that's kind of not great either. I'm I'm I've always loved it, I've always wanted some passion in my life, always want something that's really fulfilling and exciting. You know, I can never settle for something mediocre. And so I want people to have something that's really amazing. And so I really feel like the tools that we've learned, the healing that we did, number one, uh in our on ourselves, is just be able to really get in tune with ourselves, learn how to, you know, not have those core wounds showing up. Like my fear of abandonment was a big one for me, right? So, you know, learning how to let go a little bit and not be as clingy and holding on to things and you know that type of thing is is now I can allow my wife to get have a little more space when she needs it and not feel uh you know traumatized or you know, feel that big anxiety when she when that happens, um stuff like that. Or again, when we have situations arise, we know how to communicate in a way that actually works. We're able to look at each other, listen to each other, listen to understand each other, not just listen to defend ourselves, you know, because that's what we would do in the past, right? My wife would bring up a situation and I was always listening just to defend because I just wanted to show how you know she was wrong and and I was right, type of thing, you know. I'm not doing it on purpose, but that's the subconscious wounds. You know, not allowing somebody to see that you know I'm I'm not perfect and thinking that they're gonna leave me if they if they don't, you know, if they know the true me or whatever, you know, like that's not reality. But anyway, now we communicate in ways that are really healthier, better. We both know how to fulfill our own needs a little bit, we both know how each other, you know, help each other fill each other's needs. I know when she needs some space, I can give it to her. She knows when I need a little love and tension, you know, TLC. I love a lot of affection and connection. She knows when I need that, she's she steps up and does that. And and that's like beautiful, it's wonderful. So it's just crazy. So yeah, I just think so many of us don't know how to have good relationships. We want to, we desperately want to, but we just don't have any idea how to do it. And so I challenge everybody to So how do you have good relationships?

Carlene 25:49

Uh,

When Only One Partner Grows

Carlene 25:50

what are the stepping stones to having a good relationship? And I'm gonna ask you two questions. So, number one, how do you have a good relationship? And number two, if the person if you are married to someone who did not want to do the work on themselves, how are you gonna fix it? I mean, you can't fix something, you can't make someone want to do something, and I think that's why it is important because I I'm talking about my like I asked you two things, but I'm thinking about my longest relationship where I felt like I was the giver and so was he, but he wasn't willing to put in the work, and I can't make someone want to change the habits that bother me, like that's who they are, and they refuse to change, you know.

SPEAKER_01 26:34

So no, both both great questions. I mean, I think the first relationship we have is to ourselves, and so we have to really learn more about ourselves first, and and so what you know, that's where learning about my core wounds, my you know, those, you know, again, fear of abandonment, fear of being alone, fear of being not good enough, fear of, you know, uh being maybe I'm I'm judging myself or a lot of shame, a lot of guilt, a lot of all these other things that those are the things that subconsciously are helping keep you know, they're keeping us from having good relationships. Number one to ourselves, because if we're feeling that way or better ourselves, once we get into a relationship, you know, we're carrying that baggage in there. And so we've got to do that. That's where this, that's where learning those core wounds are and then beginning the healing process on those core wounds is is huge. And that's the first step I truly believe in in all of this. And that's where I mentioned that one. And then as far as you know, doing the work and having two people do the work, obviously, yes, that's optimal. So having both partners being willing to work on this absolutely is the best case scenario. But even just one person doing the work can truly make a huge difference in the relationship. Um, I always I heard it said this way that two is better than one, but one is better than none. And so if you're the person who says, you know what, my spouse doesn't want to work on this, but I do. I want to learn how to have better skills, I want to understand my attachment style, my partner's attachment style. Learning these things can actually keep you from, you know, if you know your attachment style, some of your wounds, and then you also learn about your partner's attachment styles and their wounds. Now you can see that stuff, and now you don't feed into it as much. So if you're the person willing to do that work and start to gain that knowledge, you can now change your behaviors, the way you're doing things, the way you're communicating to that spouse, even though they're not coming along with you at first. They may over time, as you begin to handle things differently, they almost have to come along with you or they do get left behind at some point. So they either grow with you and and you both begin to, you know, you be you begin to lift your partner up a little bit to where they eventually go, hey, you know what? I want to learn more about this and actually do want to start figuring this out a little bit more. This is pretty cool. Um, that happens a lot. And yeah, sometimes if you if you decide to do the work and then you just outgrow your partner so far and they just become so unhealthy and toxic to the point where it's just not a good situation, then sometimes the relationship does end. And that may just be where that goes, but at least you're at a healthy point. You're at a point where you're now able to have a good, healthy, good relationship with somebody. And now you're leaving the toxicity, the negativity, that that really unhealthy person behind because they made the choice not to come with you. That's their choice, not yours. Okay, so I be the person that does the work, be the person that steps up and says, Hey, I'm gonna do this. And whether my partner comes with you or not, I hope and pray that they do, you know, right? I love them, I want them to. But if they don't, at least I know going forward, I can have a good relationship and I'm gonna choose that with somebody, somebody, you know, I mean, somebody else is gonna come along and take that spot, but now I'm going to have a good, healthy one. Otherwise, what we end up doing is we end up leaving the person, and we 99% of the time we choose the same type of person, we and we're right back into the same thing. We have the same problems with the next person that we did with this one. They may be a little bit different, a little this, a little that, but essentially you're gonna see a lot of the same problems arise. And we just go from one broken relationship to another broken relationship, whether it lasts three years, five years, ten years, eventually it falls apart because we don't have the tools and it all comes, yeah, it all comes to a head at some point. So, yeah, if you do the work, you put yourself in the best position for that relationship to succeed, or at the very least, the next relationship to succeed, you know.

Carlene 29:53

Wow,

Subconscious Patterns And Next Steps

Carlene 29:54

Brian Power. I guess the universe said that somehow we're supposed to connect because I understand what you're saying, and it's true because it is a ribble effect. And even when I think about myself and my relationships, and like it's just like sometimes you're like, is it me? And then, you know, you're putting in the work. Like I'm taking a workshop right now on self-compassion. And because I've worked with this mentor before, and she's really great. I'm so grateful to her. And now that I'm on my third workshop, I realize that there are still some things that I have to work on. You know what I mean? And and we're all living our lives the best way we know how. And let me say this before we wrap this up, but you're gonna have to come back because I feel like there's something, there's a few other things that you touched on that I think will definitely help others. Here, we're here on on this earth to help people, and I and I feel that's the the thing that I want to do. Look, if even if it means I'm helping one person, Brian, you know what I mean? Because like it's taken me a long time to get to here and even just understanding myself. Because, like you, I I I did a I did a lot of work, but not enough work on myself. And I've been doing more work on myself, and it's important because you don't realize how much your trauma, especially how especially growing with parents who don't realize what they're doing to their children, how much that affects you, the people around you, everything. It's crazy, right?

SPEAKER_01 31:24

And so Yeah, that's the thing I learned the most about this. And and Ty Skipchin, who's who's the one I learned all this from, um, she says that 95 to 97 percent of our decisions are made by the subconscious, and that the conscious brain cannot outwill or overcome the subconscious brain. And so the subconscious is running the show, if you will. And and a lot of times it's and we don't know it because it's leak it's lurking right underneath the surface, if you will, right? So here we are going through our lives with these certain patterns, certain thoughts running the show, and we don't know why things aren't working properly. But that's where it's so important to tap into the subconscious wounds, begin to really understand what's going on underneath. That's where again learning the emotions. If I'm emotional about something, if something makes me angry or fearful or hurt, what is the thought that's causing me to feel angry? What is the thoughts I'm having that are causing me to you know feel scared or hurt or or disrespected or whatever that might be? So, what are the thoughts behind the emotions, if you will? And then as I begin to dissect all that and learn, oh, wait a second, I've got some abandonment wounds, I've got some, you know, feeling of unsafe or betrayal wounds and all these other things. Wow, okay, that's what's causing me to act in certain ways uh against my partner, and and that's what's causing a lot of these breakdowns. And so I just felt like that was such a game changer for me. And I saw that manifest in my own in the in what was going on between my wife and I because consciously I knew certain things when everything was falling apart, but subconsciously, I couldn't stop the train wreck because the ugly subconscious wounds started playing out in a way that again just brought us to a really, really bad spot. So um, I think that's the important thing. Tap into the subconscious, begin to heal that. And you know, a lot of us go to therapy and stuff, but a lot of times we're not doing that, we're not getting into the subconscious real root of the problem, and that's what we need to do. And that's the work that I think that really has changed my my life and my wife's, you know, by getting into there. Um, and I just want to give everybody hope. You know what? Um, I don't care if you're in your 40s, you divas out there. Um, it's a really good I want all you divas to know that it's a good team.

Carlene 33:19

No, it's my way, it's nobody else's way. That's the whole thing with the diva vibe, you know? Um, but it's not really about that too. But Brian Power, like, check out your website is relation myrelationshipfail.com, right?

SPEAKER_01 33:35

Yeah, you can go to if you want to learn more about this, go to my website, myrelationshipfail.com. Um, you can take the attachment style quiz from there. It's free to do that. Quick and easy to do. You're gonna learn your attachment style. It's awesome. Do that. And then if you really want to join the personal development school through my website, that is Typson's website and school. And there's a treasure trove of uh videos, workbooks, everything you need to learn in there. It is awesome. And you can pay monthly, very nominal fee. And if you decide you want somebody to work alongside with you, please contact me. I'll I'll also give you a free session if you're listening to this and you want to sign up, get a free session for me. I want to hear your story, I want to point you in the right to right direction, see if we can help you out a little bit. All that's free, complimentary. Happy to do that. And then um, yeah, join the personal development school through my website, and I'll give you another free session and just you know get you off on the right track here. And uh let's turn your relationship around. Don't blame your spouse. Don't look at, don't even worry about them. Let's just let's just focus on us and say, hey, you know what? I'm gonna do this work. I want to learn this, I want to get some things figured out. And I promise you, if you do, your relationship is gonna get better. 99% of the time, it will get better. And even if it does, worst case fall apart, it's only because you're now getting so better and you're now healing so much that you just you're ready for something new and better, and and that's what's gonna come into your life. So I truly believe that. So and I also believe that no matter how bad the situation looks right now, it can always turn around. I promise you. So just be strong, have some faith, do the work, and uh let the chips fall where they may, you know.

Where To Find Brian And Carlene

Carlene 35:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 35:00

Yeah.

Carlene 35:01

I like I like I like to look at quotes, and I think that you know, you never know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice. So that's from Bob Marley. I want to thank you for being on the show and helping the diva or the divas out there because I'm Carlene and I'm a diva. That's why I call the show D.Va tonight. And but yeah, if if if they're not gonna follow you, uh check out the website. Are you on Instagram? You're on the socials, are you?

SPEAKER_01 35:28

Yeah, yeah. You can find me on on Instagram at again, my relationship fail or or YouTube, my relationship fail. I mean, yeah, please. But the easiest place is just go to my website, myrelashipfail.com, and then you can join all my socials from the at the bottom of the page. You can join all my socials from there as well. Love to connect with you guys, love to build the community here. Um, that's what I'm looking to do, is just grow a really great group and stay connected to all the people who are looking to do some healing. And uh, if I could be of help to anybody in any way, please feel free to reach out. Happy to help you guys.

Carlene 35:55

Well, thank you so much, Brian, for sharing your journey. And I think we might have to have you back on the show to talk a little bit more about this in detail. I'm Carlene, and this is Diva Tonight with Brian Power.

SPEAKER_02 36:10

Thanks for listening to Diva Tonight. Follow us on Instagram at DivaOntheRadio. That's D.Va with two eyes. And don't forget to follow us on TikTok at Diva on the radio for more clips and conversations you'll love. Want to share your thoughts or send us a message? Text us anytime at divatonight.budsproute.com. Until next time, stay fabulous.