Emotional Intelligence For Real Life Relationships - Joni Woods

We sit down with relationship coach and author Joni Woods to trace how fear, family pressure, and faith shaped a marriage that never felt healthy and the divorce that changed everything. We talk emotional intelligence, boundaries, and the daily practice of love and kindness as a real strategy for parenting, conflict, and healing.
• Growing up fast after family abandonment and choosing safety over love
• Reframing divorce as fixing an early decision
• Using self-reflection, self-awareness, and accountability to build emotional intelligence
• Repairing conflict with kids through timeouts, honest talk, and real apologies
• Choosing “love and kindness” while still holding firm boundaries
• Letting kids have access to extended family without using it as control
• Writing a book during overnight shifts in the middle of divorce
• Losing Instagram and Facebook overnight and rebuilding a marketing plan from scratch
• Learning boundaries through dating, saying no, and speaking needs out loud
• Valuing authenticity and accountability without shame or performative punishment
• Recognizing an unhealthy relationship when home feels heavy or unsafe
• “You can follow her on Instagram at Author Johnny Woods”
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Transcript

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Welcome To Diva Tonight

SPEAKER_00 0:01

You're listening to Diva Tonight with Carleen Humphrey, a relationship podcast with a focus on life, love, and friendship. Welcome to Diva Tonight.

Carlene 0:12

Hi, I'm Carleen, and this is Diva Tonight. This is a podcast about women in their 40s and relationships, the relationships we have with ourselves and with others, our friends and our family. I am delighted to have with me a fellow Canadian. Johnny Woods is a relationship coach, author, and host of the Emotionally Unavailable podcast. And yeah, we were just talking about where you're from, right?

SPEAKER_02 0:46

Yeah, grew up in Canada, right down there on Lake Erie.

Carlene 0:51

Where is that? Like, I mean, for those of us who like people are like, where's Lake Erie? Right?

SPEAKER_02 0:57

I know the Great Lakes. We grew up learning those. Right. Yeah. Right there. And we're supposed to know those. Superior, Michigan, Erie. But yeah, I lived over by Point Peely National Park. So then Limited. Windsor.

Carlene 1:12

Yeah. And now you've gone over to like now you live in Michigan, which is like, you know, a very small state. Well, it's not that small of a state. I think it's probably bigger than many other states, obviously. But how is it? Like, I mean, your your journey from Illinois to Michigan, like, what was that like?

SPEAKER_02 1:33

That

Loss, Parenting, And A Fresh Start

SPEAKER_02 1:34

came out of a necessity. Uh, once my ex-husband died in 2020, I was uh unhindered. I did I could move and I could take my kids. And so I moved as close to the border as possible because my son was starting his high school career. He was gonna be a freshman. And so I just I handed him a map of Ann Arbor and I said, Pick the high school that you want to go to and I'll make sure you're there. So that's the way he did. He picked the high school, local high school here called Skyline. It looks like a mall when you pull up to it, it's huge. And I said, Why'd you pick that one? He said, Well, because they had seven tennis courts. I was like, You haven't played tennis a day in your life. Sure.

Carlene 2:18

He's gonna be the next.

SPEAKER_02 2:23

Oh my gosh.

Carlene 2:24

I was just like, okay, cool. Wow, that's an interesting backstory. I like that. Wow. You know, um, 2020 obviously affected a lot of us in different ways. I I think the the saying's still true. I still I feel like we're still dealing with the impact of 2020 right now.

Marrying For Safety Not Love

Carlene 2:45

You know, life is life is life and it's always changing. And so based on your life and like how you got married and you did all the things that I guess we are supposed to do or the dream is to do, like as you reflect back to the marriage and the person you married, when you met that person, what was what was it about him that you know um turned that into a story where you're like, I'm gonna marry this person.

SPEAKER_02 3:16

I wish it was something good. And part of that is in the book. Uh the problem was the fact that I had had a a major falling out with my parents, and I was going to Bible college. I wanted to be a youth young young adult pastor, and I found this program out of Illinois in Rockford, Illinois, it's uh furthest south or furthest north, and I loved it because I got to be with people and help people, and I didn't have to do a lot of schooling because I left 12th grade. You know, I didn't stay for the OA OAC, whatever. That Canada does. I so I left as soon as possible. And my parents just it didn't go over well. They felt I was rebelling against them, and through a series of not great experiences with them, they ended up abandoning me. And my ex-husband came in night in shining armor, and I was a 19-year-old, 20-year-old girl with like on her own. And so I leaned into that because I thought I thought it was all good intentions, you know, and I found someone and he was a pastor. And if I wanted to be a pastor's wife, I had to marry a pastor, you know, like it was just it felt like the cards were aligned, but 15 years later, getting a divorce was me fixing that first mistake. You know, I made that decision out of fear rather than, yes, I'm in love with this man. Yes, he, you know, like our relationship was healthy. It wasn't healthy when we were dating. It wasn't healthy when we were engaged, and you know, I I walked in eyes wide open in that, and I should have I should have made a better decision. Yeah. Unfortunately.

Carlene 4:58

I think when you're young though, you don't make the best decisions. Like I I can relate to that. When I was 19, I moved out of my parents' house. I moved in with my boyfriend who lived down the street. Don't ever move in with your boyfriend. Oh my gosh, was that like, you know, like he was no, he was a good boyfriend, but my parents made that so difficult. So I can understand that. And you know, one day I I said to them, Oh, I'm going to work. And my mom would like look into things, right? So she called my workplace and noticed I wasn't at work. And then she she and my stepfather like came to my boyfriend's house and they're like loud, and you know, I'm like, the whole neighborhood, I'm sure, can hear you know, because I wasn't home and they're like, if you don't come home right now, you know, but it's one of those things where you're you're young and you make like I made like all these impulsive decisions, and so I think I can understand like you wanting to, you know, maybe get out and maybe finding the wrong person to get out with, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Emotional Intelligence That Repairs Conflict

Carlene 5:57

Yeah. I remember you saying um in an interview, like they brought up emotional intelligence. And I think like maybe writing the book helped you with that to teach your kids about that. What do you think?

SPEAKER_02 6:10

Like in terms of your that's like my my biggest passion is emotional intelligence because there's so many components to it. There's that self-reflection, um, there's self-awareness, there's accountability. Putting all those, that three-legged stool together to really build that emotional intelligence awareness, you know, you're you recognize things that are problematic in your life and where you're at fault. Because I mean, we can easily look at someone else and be like, this is where you screwed up. But it's like, okay, well, what did I do? How what was my role in this? And when I got a divorce, there I had to spend a lot of time defending my decision. And so even even to the to the point where I could tell people, listen, I'm just making, I'm fixing a mistake, you know, recognizing that I was the one who entered into this marriage when I shouldn't have, you know, that's emotional intelligence. And I am very, if we uh, my kids and I, we have very open conversations about everything because I want them to be aware of their choice, the choices that they're making, the things that they say, little things that they say that hurt someone else's feelings that hurt my feelings. I I I'll look at them. My son said something to me the other day, and I just kind of looked at him and he was like, sorry. You know, like I don't have to get mad, I don't have to get defensive. Like I that's emotional intelligence. You recognize that there's a disconnect right here, and either I could yell at him and be like, you don't talk to me like that, or I give him the opportunity to tune in and say, ooh, sorry. And yeah, I think that's just so important. My my son and I actually, well, he's 19, so we have a lot of in-depth conversations, but he was concerned about something, so he started talking to me about it, and he was just like, I just don't like you doing it. And I was like, I don't care. I'm an adult. I'm I am going to do this. And we just separated ways because I I tell him, like, I'm like, I need a timeout. I need to go to my room because I'm gonna say something, and I'm and we're the relationship's gonna break down. And he ended up coming to me later after a couple hours. He like sat on the the stool and he was like, I'm sorry. He said, It's inappropriate of me to ask you of that. He's like, My friends do that, and I I wouldn't say anything to them, so I shouldn't say anything to you. And I was like, Thank you. I appreciate that. I hear your concern, I'll, you know, put that into consideration. We can talk about it more. And it just elevated our relationship, and that's what emotional intelligence does. I think it's just it elevates your relationships to a whole new level when you're willing to look inside first and then do that self-reflection, self-awareness, and accountability. Those apologies change everything, you know, like it just it's so beautiful when it works. I love it.

Carlene 9:01

Well, it's taken you wow. Like, I mean, he's 19 now. So I mean, that's years of like conversations. And what do you think has helped you along with everything you've been through? Losing your husband and having to raise the kids um on your own, and then, you know, just even the family too, right? Custody

Anchoring Life In Love And Kindness

Carlene 9:20

battle.

SPEAKER_02 9:20

So yeah, I think um I think the biggest thing that helped me especially when because the t the turning point for my life was obviously the divorce. You know, everything changed. I lost all my friends, I lost my ministry position. They didn't, you know, they don't want you to be a pastor anymore. You know, I was my ex-husband was vicious and in getting me out. He I was sleeping in my car, and you know, like just all of that. That was pivotal, obviously. And but I when I anchored down in the divorce, I told the kids, I said, I want you to have two happy homes. That's it. Because right now you have one miserable one. So I want you to have two happy homes, and that's what I'm gonna live for every day is providing a safe space for you when you come to my house. It's going to be happy, it's gonna be fun. And so once I was able to find something to anchor down with, that's kind of been my MO through the rest of my life. Like I want to be someone who is known for love and kindness. That's it. Whenever I have conflict with anyone, if I have conflict at work or conflict with a friend, I have to remember what I want is to be a person that's love and kindness. Now I can still set boundaries, but I'm not going to personally attack them. I'm going to be reflective in how we settle disagreements, all of that kind of stuff, because I want love to be first and then kindness goes with that, and they go hand in hand. And it's once I made that as a statement for who I wanted to be, that's my guiding light every time through anything, through the hardships. Um when my ex-husband died, there we had a horrible co-parenting relationship. So I had lost touch with his family entirely. And some people were like, Well, you know, good thing he's gone. You know, you can keep those parents out. And I invited them in the day that he died. I texted them and said, You are more than welcome to come over and see your grandchildren. And because I that's how I wanted to anchor in. And they fought me um for the first probably month, um, no, like three months, because we ended up going to court, and I just had to keep saying, Love and kindness, this is who I want to be. And so they're sitting in court and they're obviously still grieving, and they were like, Well, can we see the grandchildren? Yes, yes, I want you to see the grandchildren. You may have made me pay thousands of dollars in attorney's fees, but I'm not gonna hold that against you. Like you were grieving, you're in pain. I recognize that, and uh yeah, love and kindness that's what gets

Grandparents, Grief, And Hard Choices

SPEAKER_02 11:51

me through.

Carlene 11:51

Yeah. Love and kindness, I've heard that many times, but when I hear that, I think of mindfulness. Do you practice that? Is that a thing? Because I listen to a lot of Deepak Chopra and I've done some mindful stress reduction courses, and when you say that, that's what signals in my mind. So is I mean it's your mantra, love and kindness, but is it is there something um related to that when you say that?

SPEAKER_02 12:18

Uh no, I actually have not considered doing mindfulness like that. I probably should.

Carlene 12:24

How come you you didn't want to rebel and be like, you know what, you guys are making things hard for me? Why should I let you see your grandkids?

SPEAKER_02 12:33

Um, honestly, it was so after he died, and I sent that text message, and then I got word that they wouldn't let me go to the funeral. They did an emergency injunction against me. I they had to come in and drag my children out of bed. And so, like between that, and they never reached out to the kids. They they never talked to them until like two weeks later. And my kids came up to me somewhere in there and they were just like, What did we do wrong? And I was like, shit, you know, you my choices meant that they were paying the price. And I, at that point, I was like, okay, I've got to do better. I've got to figure out how to fix this relationship so that they aren't suffering because they deserved a relationship with their grandparents, they deserved a relationship with their cousins. I had no right to hold those prisoner because I was pissed off, or you know, him and I had such bad co-parenting. And because of that, because I I didn't keep that as part of like my control, they've unfortunately come to see their family the way that I knew them to be. So it was like, you know, uh, I could have held on to it and said, you know, you don't want to be there. You and now they're just to the point where they're like, eh, I don't need a relationship with people who treat me like this or do that. And so it's sad, but it is also their own choice. So that's that's why I thought it was just so important to fix it in that moment because I couldn't convince them of what I already knew, you know? And so they discovered it on their own. And I think that that really I feel okay about that, you know? Like I I feel like I didn't manipulate that, I didn't do anything like that. I just let their true colors show.

Carlene 14:24

No, that's important. I think I understand why you did that, because I don't have kids, but my nephew asked me something similar when he was younger. It was his birthday, and he's like, Well, why aren't you coming? And I realized I had to like separate something to go to his birthday party because I don't know if he'll remember that I didn't come, you know what I mean? Because I'm always there for like all these things, but I think I understand why you say that and why you had to do that because they don't know what's going on, they don't understand, they just wanna they just want they know that they want to have that relationship with that person, and so sometimes we have to separate it. It takes a lot of you know to do that, right?

SPEAKER_02 15:07

Yeah, humbling experience, you know. You have to put your pride aside, yeah.

Carlene 15:12

So yeah, yeah, I can totally relate because for me, my I don't get along with my stepdad, and he was gonna be, he's dropping my mom off to the birthday party, and so I was like, okay, I'll just I'll just wait till after and then I'll go because like I felt like I was that like gonna hurt my nephew by not going. So I can I can understand why we do the things we do, right? For our family, yeah.

Writing A Book Through Divorce

Carlene 15:37

And so 2020 a lot has happened, and like you wrote the book 2025, and so as you reflect on the journey, what was that like for you?

SPEAKER_02 15:48

I actually wrote the book in 2016, 2017. It was while I was in the middle of a divorce. I was working at a hospital and I did the 7 p.m. to 7 a.m. shift. So there wasn't a lot to do, like between two and three or four in the morning. And so I was just writing all of my experiences and everything from what was happening in the middle of the divorce because my ex was an asshole and was like really, I mean, it took us 11 months to finalize it. I was like, he fought me every step of the way. And so I just wrote about the divorce and then I was dating, and I so I wrote about all the dates, the different dates that I went, the different men that I met, the different experiences, the things that I was learning about myself and who I wanted to be. So I wrote all of that for about two years. And then when I went to go publish, this was way before self-publishing, the how easy it is now to self-publish. It was really difficult to, and someone told me they're like, Yeah, you have to get a publisher to pick it up. And I was like, There's no way. I'm a single mom working three jobs. I just I can't, I can't take on another job. And so when I moved up to Ann Arbor and started the relationship coaching consulting practice, they uh everyone was like, you need to write a book. I was like, okay, well, I got one of those. So I'll just it took me a little bit after I went through a first couple of um big company clients and then trying to really kind of narrow down what it is that I want to see happen in relationships and how I can help them. And um, that's where the book, that's where I dusted off the book and in 2025 just started for getting it out there.

Carlene 17:26

Yeah, and boy, did they just throw you a new one

When Social Media Disappears Overnight

Carlene 17:30

with that? I mean, I I've I've learned that social media can be unkind to the artists to trying to find their way. So from the conversations you've had, it seems like you had to take a break from social media because of a lot of things bad things. Um I know.

SPEAKER_02 17:56

Um, it was less had to and more was forced to.

Carlene 18:00

Okay. Yeah. So let's start from the beginning. Why was why was it suggested that you stop going on Instagram, Facebook, all the things? Why was that suggested?

SPEAKER_02 18:13

Like why was that like what well it wasn't suggested. My account got shut down. Someone went in and shut my account down, and I couldn't I never ended up getting it back. And that was really hard because that was part of our marketing plan was to market on my because I had I had about between Facebook and um Instagram, about 7,000 followers. And I lost all of them. And so now I'm rebuilding. It's just we're gonna help you get there. Just shoot me a follow. That is all I need, please. So it was less of, hey, you should do this. It was, uh oh, now what are we gonna do? You know, how are we going to fix this problem? How are we gonna get the book out there? And so I had to do a lot of pivoting. I moved over to TikTok a little bit, did some YouTubes, wrote a lot. I I do a lot of writing on my website. So then we had to do websites, and then yeah, it just it completely destroyed my marketing plan.

Carlene 19:17

Damn you, whoever did it. I know whoever did it. We're gonna send like the the online army after you.

SPEAKER_02 19:26

I tried. Oh my gosh, I tried so much. I was like, meta, dig it like someone get me someone at headquarters. How do you start over? Um, well, I was finally able to get a new account, and then someone tried to shut that one down, but thank goodness they gave it back to me. So now I've got like 88 followers. I'm like, hi, 88 people, I love you. Yeah, that was just rebuilding. I had to get a new account, and then it's a lot more focused on the book, but it it's a little it's a little scary. Once you lose all of that, it's hard to put yourself back out there. And that's kind of one of been one of my issues is I'm like, why depend on something that can be taken away so quickly? Because I mean, I had I remember the morning I had opened up Instagram, obviously, to scroll, and then I went to work, and then I went to open up Instagram or my email, and it was like, your account has been suspended. And I was like, I was literally just on my account. What happened? And I pulled it up and I was like, Yep, you're suspended, everything threads, Facebook, anything that's meta is gone.

SPEAKER_00 20:34

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SPEAKER_01 20:37

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Carlene 21:06

You were mentioning something before you think that you have like a hunch as to who may have been behind it.

SPEAKER_02 21:14

Yeah. Um obviously the book has a lot of stories in there uh with my ex-husband, and I can only suspect due to timing, because we had just been down to Springfield, Illinois for my kids to hang out with their grandparents, and I had met with my ex-husband's best friend, and ironically, five days later my account shut down. So I was like, All right. You know, like I know, I know y'all know the book is coming out. I know you're not happy about it. They didn't, you know, they've pretty much stopped talking to me altogether. And it's it's funny because I'm just like, you know, you you guys all knew who he was to begin with. It's not like you're reading. Anything that's like, oh, we're s shocked. I mean, you all had a falling out with him, you know. You n at one point or another, you guys have had your conflicts with him. Or you had. And yeah, I get I understand that he has passed, but you're not protecting him by trying to get my story to not be out there anymore. Like that's it's ever everyone knows, you know, it's not gonna be a shock. Wasn't living in this dark secret, they just were surprised that I was still living with him. That was

Healing By Telling The Truth

SPEAKER_02 22:30

the big thing.

Carlene 22:30

So yeah, I think when you shine a light on something, there's people who are gonna do everything they can to stop you. Because I've done I remember writing something and my parents were like, if this gets out, you know, like this could ruin the family. I'm like, you've already ruined the family. Like in the movie, you know what I mean? Like the family, like when you live in a toxic home environment, and when you finally get out, I think that's when the healing starts, right? And so do you feel like writing the book was like kind of like healing for you in a way?

SPEAKER_02 23:09

Uh definitely for me, definitely very healing. But I I wrote it because I wanted people to know that they weren't alone in what they're going through. Because I mean, there's a lot of people have different kinds of trauma. But some people will just be like, oh, it's not a big deal. And I'm like, but it is, you know, what you went through is is important because it shaped you. And so I want you to know that you're not alone. And I talk about my childhood, which was rough. Uh, both my parents have passed. My stepfather, he's still alive. He moved over to Nova Scotia. But I told him, I said, you know, this book is coming out. It does include a period when we were I was living with Hugh. And I said, if you want to read it, just know that it's it doesn't always necessarily paint you in a real good light. And he said he read it, that he would read it, and he started messaging me through it, and he just started apologizing and recognizing, you know, the abuse that I went through with my ex-husband, he recognized that they didn't help in this situation, like not enough. They should have done more. And so he was apologetic for that, and the stuff, you know, where I felt abandoned, you know, understanding his role in that. So it was healing. It's kind of a little bit like being out there naked. Like I'm like, all right, these are all my scars. Hope you don't judge me for them.

Carlene 24:37

If you do, I'm coming off dunking.

unknown 24:40

I'm like, all right.

Carlene 24:42

At least I can laugh through it and not cry, you know, because it's it's hard. When I hear you talk about it, I can relate to you in a lot of ways. I don't talk about uh trauma like a lot on the show. And so when people talk about it, I can I can understand the pain with that. And like, you know, every time you do something to help yourself, whether it's writing a book, doing therapy, whatever it is, like you're a coach, obviously, too. I feel like when we've been through those experiences, we have a better understanding. We can read things better in other people, like when they've been through something or if they're hiding something, you know what I mean? Because you can hide the pain for so long, but you it really affects like who how you interact with people. And like, I don't know for you, but for me, I was a very angry person. My cousin used to say that to me. She's like, you know, when I finally we finally did some classes to help us through our own family trauma, right? And I'm just like you don't realize until like you're you're like reflecting back and you're like, Yeah, I was like, I look at some of my pictures, I was like, wow, I didn't smile a lot, I was um angry, and maybe I was um upset at the way things were, like you know, you're like internalizing things and but yeah, and then you lash out when you're in that environment. I guess it's harder to see what's wrong, right? Because you think that's normal.

Boundaries That Give You Power

Carlene 26:13

With the book and with everything that has happened, how did you learn to set boundaries for yourself? Because I think you're a big advocate for that, you know.

SPEAKER_02 26:23

Yeah, yes, a very big advocate. I started it kind of recognizing the boundaries when I bought my own home. It was really exciting because I had never done that before. My money was always my either my parents or my ex-husband. And so I got my first job, was able to secure a loan, you know, and I looked at boundaries, and I tell this to people when I talk to them, you know, boundaries is how you set up your home. You have this beautiful little fence, you know, that you can direct people to walk into your home. You know, they you have this like picket fence, and there's like a little pathway. That's that's what boundaries are. They you show them how to come into your home. Whereas if you didn't have boundaries or no fence or no pathway, they'll just walk all over your yard and then they'll storm in the door, you know, like those kind of things. And that's for me how I started to slowly let people in was because I recognized, okay, I don't want you stomping all over my yard and ruining my flowers and you know, like cutting up the grass or anything like that. Like you can come to my door and I will open it and welcome you into my home if you do it, like if you walk the nice path. And you know, like that's that's kind of where I came up with the boundaries for me. And especially when I was dating so much, because I was dating like I it was open season on dating. I had never dated. I went from like, yeah, I had that it didn't date after 18 years old. I just met my husband and then we got married. So when I was 36 and I'm on the apps, I was like, whoa, like this is insane, crazy, crazy out there. And I it was nice because I started to learn I didn't have to say yes to everyone. And that was big for me. I was like, okay, clearly I have the ability to meet who I want when I want, and I don't have to keep you in my space. If we don't fit, we're out. And I know, yeah, setting those boundaries only really worked when I spoke them. That was the big thing. Like, I'd be like, oh, I don't want to talk to this person. I'm like, why am I talking to this person? I'm just gonna tell them, okay, well, I think I think our conversations are done. You know, I don't like how you've you're speaking to me, or I don't like this, and I don't think we're a good fit. So there was no point in making boundaries unless I said them out loud. And that to me was where I just started to learn, I get to have a voice because I didn't have a voice. I didn't have a voice in my marriage, didn't have a voice in my childhood. Everyone kept telling me who I was supposed to be. And so when I started dating, and all these guys are like, well, this is who I need, and I think you'll fit it. And I'm like, I don't think we're gonna match. And that was where boundaries really came in and worked, and it was it was nice. I got, I felt like I got my power back. And I think that that's what boundaries do is it gives you your power back.

Carlene 29:19

Did you read on setting boundaries? I find like you can read on it, take courses, whatnot, but like it sounds to me like until you actually start practicing it and figuring it out on your own, that you that's when you truly are like, oh, I finally said no, right? Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 29:36

Yeah. No, I never read on it because I was I was testing boundaries because I had been a youth and young adult pastor. So there are a lot of rules. You know, you don't drink, you don't smoke, you don't go out, you don't. I mean, some really religious ones are like you don't play cards, you don't do any of this kind of stuff. Well, I mean, I was single and I was gonna date, I was gonna drink, I was gonna go dancing with friends. Like this was a whole new world. So I was pushing all of these boundaries, everything that I had been, you know, defined. Um, I was pushing them all away. And so I had to decide what what was it that I was going to allow to be part of who I am now, you know, dancing or going out with friends at midnight and staying out till three in the morning. Okay, let's do that. But you know, that some of that changes as you get older. But yeah, so I learned boundaries because I was pushing them. I was really rejecting everything that they put me in, that box that they put me in.

Carlene 30:34

I totally relate to that. That's me. My parents, like I I mean, I I did that when I lived at home with my parents. And my my sister's like, you're so brave. I was like, for me, I think I felt like I was rebelling because every time they said I couldn't do something, I'm like, let's figure out a way to do it. Yes. You know what I mean? It's a little freeing in a way. So listening to you talk about that, I'm like, wow, yeah. It's it's it's yeah, it's an experience I think we all have to go through to figure out like what our morals and values

Values That Shape Better Relationships

Carlene 31:08

are. So speaking of that, what are your morals and values? Like, what do you value?

SPEAKER_02 31:12

Um, I value kindness. I just do. I think you can get through anything when you're willing to just stop for a minute and just so I value emotional intelligence. I value accountability. I think people are so afraid of accountability because we went through this whole cancel culture situation where, you know, if you fucked up, then they're you're you're canceled, you're out, you're done. But we're not perfect people. And I think what I have found is that I I want to embrace my imperfections. I'm not a perfect person. And it's okay. I'm going to hold myself accountable. I'm going to make the changes that I need to make. And I hope that you appreciate that honesty, that authentic, oh, I'm so sorry. I should have done something better. Or, you know, like all of that. Uh so I value authenticity. I value genuine souls who are just trying to figure out. And they, you know, there are some people who make choices because they've been instilled their entire life to protect themselves. And I want to be able to look at them and be like, it's okay. You know, I get it. People make mistakes. I'm not gonna kill you for it. I'm not gonna ruin you for it. And I just had this issue like yesterday. I spoke to um an an individual who really messed up, particularly with me, and he was apologetic. He I and I saw as soon as as soon as we sat down to have this conversation, and I could tell he was humbled and by his mistake. And so I didn't I didn't make it worse for him. I heard him out, I listened. You know, he's trying really hard to not justify why he did what he did. And I was able to tell him some of the reason that I was upset as I was was because there's been previous trauma. And so I I was triggered. And I said, I understand that that's part of my problem, why that situation escalated the way that it did is because you triggered me. And so it was just it was such a good conversation, and so I value being able to recognize when you mess up and not defend yourself and not justify it or anything like that. You are humble enough to say, I'm sorry, I really messed up, I really messed up. And uh I'm and I'm like, okay, thank you. I appreciate that. And we'll be better, you know, we'll have a better relationship.

Carlene 33:38

Better for it. And so with that, I always I always revert back to two things because um, it's not where you are now, it's where you came from. So when you were growing up, do you have anyone who like inspired you to write? Maybe even a teacher that may have influenced your decision to finally write the book.

SPEAKER_02 33:58

Um, when I was younger, I was actually terrible at English. Just terrible. I couldn't do grammar or anything like that. I never I never had the belief that I could that I could do it well. But when I was married, I started college classes because I, you know, wanted to get an education. And my first uh lip professor, sh I sh I did so well in it, finally just really going, I I I really think I can do this. And I put aside my insecurities, and she just absolutely loved everything that I wrote. Just that I don't know, she just said that that there was soul in it. And I was like, Oh, okay, thank you. That's what I needed. That's what I needed to hear. Um whereas everyone in growing up was all concerned that I couldn't write because I didn't know where to put a comma, you know, like, and so I don't know, maybe I think it was less inspirational and more another act of rebellion where it was like, you can't write, you're not good at English. Well, let me tell you what I'm gonna prove you wrong.

Carlene 35:00

Ah, I love that. That is so true. That's conviction right there. The girl to do it. That's an inspiration for sure, you know what I mean? Because you're you're proving them wrong, like all the naysayers wrong, right? Because you're doing something different. Because I can relate to that too. Like, you know, in university, people are like, Why are you studying like English? Like, or I remember something coming up, but no, it was something else. It was in dance class where I really did feel like an outcast. And I danced for so long, so I felt like I had to prove myself to these dancers, and I'm like, who are you people? Like, you know, and then I when I finally did, it was it was it was interesting because my dance, the teacher was like, you know, you should you should focus on dance, and I was like, There's no way, you know, but I'm glad that you proved them wrong. This is homage to you and your journey through like the craziness of life,

Signs A Relationship Is Unhealthy

Carlene 36:01

right? And so to women in their 40s, you know, that like go back to the the topic at hand, you know, what is your advice to you know, someone who might be in a relationship that isn't healthy, you know? It's hard, right?

SPEAKER_02 36:16

Yeah, and it's definitely hard. And sometimes I've been asked this question this way, but also like how to even recognize it's unhealthy. And I think what I didn't realize was when I started telling my story, how shocked everyone was. Like, if you're afraid to give your real like, oh, this is what life is like at home because you're afraid of what people are gonna think, that's probably sign number one, it's not great, you know, because it's just like, oh, you know, people I was I was shocked when I started dating because I was just like, wow, people have really bad you were you lived through that for that long? What on earth? And that's people just get so used to living like that, and they forget like how miserable or how sad or how heavy it feels to even drive home, you know. When that's that's when you know you're in a rough relationship, is when you don't even want to go home and or you're when they're gonna come home and you hear the garage and you're like, oh, like that's the way it was for me at the end. I was just like, every time the garage would open, I was like, here we go, you know, and that's when I knew I was like, okay, this needs to change. And we had been in marriage counseling for eight years, and so what clearly wasn't changing with him, and so I had to make a change. Be I couldn't keep being excited when he wasn't home. Cause then I was like, well, then why am I here? You know, like why are we together if I'm happier when you're gone? I feel like that's a huge sign. And so that's where I just kind of found what was most important to me was to have, you know, an anchor on why I was gonna get a divorce. Those two happy homes. And then the other thing that for me made a big difference was just recognizing that if I knew my kids were in this kind of marriage, I would have told them to get out. I've been like, you can divorce that person. Like I, you have no responsibility to stay in the marriage. If I knew that you felt the way that I was feeling right now, like I was setting such a bad example for my kids that they were seeing the me be treated the way that I was being treated. And I would never stand for that for my children. Like if, you know, if my if I knew my daughter's husband was speaking to her the way that he my ex was speaking to me, I would have been like, you're out, we're getting your stuff and you're leaving, you know. So those were kind of the things for me in that relationship that I was able to just reframe and make as anchors for why I was getting out.

Carlene 38:45

Wow. That that that's a very powerful message there for sure. Because I it's true, like you have to reflect in that way to say, like, just not wanting to go home. That's that's the thought. Yeah. Yeah. I think we can all have those moments when I remember being like, what can I do so I don't have to go home right now? Yeah.

Where To Follow And Connect

Carlene 39:07

And so the book's out, and you have Instagram and YouTube and the things.

SPEAKER_02 39:14

Please find me and follow me.

unknown 39:17

Oh my god.

Carlene 39:18

Yeah, so your Instagram is AuthorJohnny Woods. Author Johnny Woods. That's easy, not hard to remember. I'm Carlene, and this is D.VaTonight with Johnny Woods. You can follow her on Instagram at Author Johnny Woods and support her book, read it, you know, if if that's something that you feel connected to. I think it's uh it's a good idea for sure. So thank you.

SPEAKER_00 39:46

Thanks for listening to Diva Tonight. Follow us on Instagram at DivaOnTheRadio. That's Diva with two eyes. And don't forget to follow us on TikTok at Diva on the radio for more clips and conversations you'll love. Want to share your thoughts or send us a message? Text us anytime at divatonight.budsprout.com. Until next time, stay fabulous.