The Marriage Industrial Complex… Isn’t a Love Story

We explore why so many women feel “broken” for being single and why that story serves patriarchy more than personal truth. Fanny Tristan shares how trauma acts like a lens, why community matters, and how to turn loneliness into information instead of panic.

• therapist to coach: moving beyond the medical model
• the myth that single equals wrong
• patriarchy’s scripts and the marriage industrial complex
• readiness, red flags, and values alignment
• trauma as a lens that shapes choices
• generational patterns, power and self-worth
• building a village and filling many cups
• loneliness vs being alone, practical soothing
• tools for trust and non-romantic intimacy
• free resources for combating loneliness and more

Go to hersoulsupply.com and grab the free guide to combating loneliness

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Chapters

• 0:00 Meet Fanny: Therapist And Coach
• 2:05 From Therapy To Coaching Vision
• 5:00 “What’s Wrong With Me?” Myth
• 8:30 Patriarchy And The “Problem Woman”
• 11:30 The Marriage Industrial Complex Explained
• 16:45 Real Talk: Readiness Over Rings
• 20:30 Red Flags, Values, And Healing
• 24:00 Trauma As A Lens We Wear
• 28:20 Generational Patterns And Power
• 32:40 Village, Identity, And Motherhood
• 36:20 Joy, Concerts, And Refilling Cups

Transcript

SPEAKER_01: 0:03

Hi, I'm Carlene and this is Diva Tonight. I have with me on Zoom the lovely Fanny Tristan. She is a mom. She's also a trauma therapist, a singles coach helping women of color embrace their single era through education, travel, and sisterhood. And she also has a blog which I just learned. So Fanny, all the way in Brooklyn, how are you? I'm great. Thank you. Happy to be here, Carlene. Thank you so much for taking the time to be on the show. I think it's always exciting to have meet people online, which is seems to be the way of the world now. With technology, it makes it so easy for me to talk to you. I don't have to fly down to New York and be like, you know, right? So before we get started, so tell me a little bit about yourself. Where did you go to school?

SPEAKER_02: 1:05

Yeah. So I have a master's in clinical social work. And so I kind of always knew that I wanted to do social work. And so it's also my bachelor's. So I went to school in Vermont, in New York. I mean, in Vermont in the US, and then got my master's at Fordham University in New York City. And so that's where I've lived ever since. And I'm based here in Brooklyn, New York with my family.

SPEAKER_01: 1:32

Okay, lovely. I guess in your work hours, you help women. So are you mainly a coach or a therapist? Like, I mean, it's you have two titles. Yeah, so I do both.

SPEAKER_02: 1:44

And so my career in the last few years has been really focused on my private practice. So restority space is my private practice where I work with eldest daughters at the intersection of trauma and have been doing trauma, psych trauma, trauma work and trauma therapy for several years. That's really the backbone of my skills and my career are in therapeutic care and mental health support. And I started my private practice back in early 2020. And I noticed that there was a pattern. There was a trend of women that were coming into my practice who felt that their presenting problem was that they were single. Like they were in their 30s, some of them were in their 40s, some of them had been single for many, many years, maybe had never had a healthy relationship. Some of them were just at a breakup, some of them have been through divorces, and they've all kind of had this common complaint of like there's something wrong with me for being single. I can't, either I can't keep a partner or I'm not being chosen. And there must it must be because there's something wrong with me. And, you know, I think for some of the women, there was some underlying trauma work that we were doing, and that was really wonderful. But I also felt like there was something about them that that resonated with a version of me, right? That had also been single for a very long time, who also never felt chosen, who also had experienced a lot of heartbreak and really toxic relationships. And I knew it was more than just doing that inner trauma work. I also knew that when I was experiencing my singlehood journey, part of what has led me to where I am in the life that I enjoy today is the fact that I did engage in community, that I did build sisterhood, that I did build my esteem in a way that really made me feel empowered. I understood interrelationships, right? And not just the relationship with myself, but relationship with other people and learning how to advocate for myself and all of these skills that I had learned that really led me really to my husband today. We've been together since 2010. We've been together many, many years, and now we have a beautiful daughter. And so, you know, I truly feel that he is my forever partner because of not just the foundations that we build, but also the person that I was when we met. And it made me realize how much I had done singlehood in a way that really helped me become the woman that I am today. And so it's not something that I thank my husband for, right? I think myself. I think this previous version of myself who really bet on herself and really didn't make a man the focus of my health and well-being and helped me really be my authentic self. And so I just kept remembering her when I would hear some of these stories and realizing that I was really limited by the medical model of my therapy practice to diagnose these women when I really don't believe that they had a diagnosis, right? And then treating them for something that, you know, had to be aligned with a diagnosis. And in order to diagnose these women, I would be part of a long legacy of providers, of healthcare providers who have pathologized women for not meeting a stay a status quo or not being okay with a status quo. You know, you saw this with women who had been diagnosed with hysteria, you saw this with women who experienced enslavement, you experienced this with women who, you know, fought for women's rights. And so I just felt like the modern day single woman, especially like a millennial woman or you know, a Gen X woman who prioritized her career or who is refusing to settle, or who is, you know, earning more than some of the men that that she's dating and experiencing the backlash of things like that, right? I think that we've kind of become this new face of problematic woman, right? Why, why don't you want to settle down? Why are your standards so high? Your top your clock is ticking. Don't you care that your clock is ticking? You know, I think that in order for me to say, yes, there is something wrong with you for being single and let me treat you, I think it would just kind of continue that narrative that there is something innately wrong with you for not fitting into this box. And so Her Soul Supply is my coaching platform where I was able to really have the freedom to curate the type of offerings that I knew would be a holistic support to single women outside of this medical model. And so at her soul supply, I have experiences in which we gather, in which we learn together, in which I find creative ways to educate women about the systems in place, like patriarchy, like sexism, like racism, that often contribute to what makes them feel like they're not enough. And so really building sisterhood and education and travel as a way to help women think more expansively about the quality of their lives.

SPEAKER_01: 6:54

Wow. Um, yeah, it sounds to me like your mission, first off, is like with yourself. And so you've done a lot of inner work. I think that's the most important thing, right? Because this is a series focused on women in their 40s. I just want to know with the women that you've worked with, women who are single, I guess, and think that there's something wrong. Why do you think that there's so much focus on the fact that it's something wrong with me, not something wrong with like the people I attract? Why do you think this is there's so much pressure for women to do the things?

SPEAKER_02: 7:33

Because I think that that's the function that society wants women to serve, right? We live in, I think no matter, and I mean the majority of cultures that we live in are very patriarchal. They're very male-centered. And there is a role that women play in that patriarchy that is often very subservient to men. And those things are overt and covert, right? I think the overt ways of that is yeah, having a man who expects, you know, women to have like quote unquote women's work, right? These very, very antiquated ideas of gender and how women are supposed to behave in heterosexual relationships. So that's the kind of overt things that we see. I think some of the covert ways that we see patriarchy play out are in things like the marriage industrial complex, right?

SPEAKER_01: 8:26

This idea of like what do you mean the marriage industrial complex? You're you're going over my head there. I'm like, what?

SPEAKER_02: 8:33

Yeah. Oh yeah. I love talking about the marriage industrial complex. Um, it's something I talk about in my workshop a lot. So the marriage industrial complex is kind of the system that has been created to support the economical and power structures of patriarchy. And so what that means is taking the traditional sense of what marriage is, which was a contract and dowry, right? Of selling a woman to a man, essentially, is what it was, right? That has evolved into, okay, well, now you have a marriage and it might be a little bit more equitable, but you are still kind of expected to give up something, right? Whether it's your career or a submission into building a fan of a family and all of these things, but you're going into a partnership in this way. And I think the economical part of the marriage industrial complex is kind of the distractions that are created to have women be attracted to things about marriage that actually have nothing to do with marriage. For example, the dress, the ring, losing weight for the wedding, having the big party, who's my bridesmaid, what are my color palettes, what are my flowers, and just people are making tons of money, right? It's an entire industry, right, to have a wedding. And I think even going through my own experience through having a wedding, I felt like I we were engaged for two years. What it does it mean for ourselves? Like we we didn't even talk to each other about can you believe it? We're about to do this, right?

SPEAKER_01: 10:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02: 10:30

It just becomes this kind of motion that we do because it's what's expected and what there are these symbols, right? That kind of show you that you're on track, right? Like the ring and you know, the proposal and like all of these things that we all get very excited about, but isn't really focusing on, hey, like, are we ready for this? What does it actually mean to be your wife? What does it actually mean for you to be my husband? Have we talked about what that means? Do we have we talked about what it might mean to have children and like what that actually looks like for us? Right. I think that that's like the last thing that people talk about or think about. And that's why it's a system, right? Because I think what we don't realize is that there's so much attention put on just getting women to that point, right? Prepping her for that point, making sure she is attracting the right partner, making sure that she's in the right circles and the right, you know, engaged to the right people and has all her priorities straight. And then on the other side, you find some women that are happy in marriage, right? But you also find a lot of women who realize the grass is not greener on the other side. Now I have this partner who I didn't realize I had to have conversations with about how to how to maintain a household, or someone who I didn't realize we didn't really have deep enough conversations about what does it mean for you to be a father to my children? How do you show up as the kind of partner that I need you to show up so I can be the kind of mom I want to be, right? We don't ask those questions. We often just tick the box of, well, he says he wants kids. I want kids too. What does that mean?

SPEAKER_01: 12:15

You know, a lot to think about when it comes to the Hollywoodism of marriage. Like, you know, the whole glam, you know, like you said, you're more focused on the marriage itself and there's an industry behind it. There's shows on it now. Say yes to the dress. You know, I always think I'm like, I want to go to Klein Fans and get a dress, you know, that's the dream right there. But I mean, I think it's it's like, I think I have to find the person that's on the same page with me who has the same morals and values. Like, what if, what if that person, like, what if I don't want to have kids? I feel like I've been pressured for the longest time and I don't fit the mold. I've like, Fanny, I've never fit the mold. And I think I'm a non-conformist to say the truth. You know, I've always been like, oh, like if I if someone expects me to do something, I'll be like, well, let's do it a different way. Just, you know, go against the grain, you know what I mean? Be the I don't follow the, I don't follow the crowd. I I've always done my own thing. But I think what I want to ask you, because you've been married for 15 years, or maybe actually you've been with your person so over a decade, like you know what I mean? What questions should you be asking the person that you're planning to get married to? Like what should you be discussing?

SPEAKER_02: 13:34

That's a good question. And I'm not specifically a dating coach, but I do think that there are certain things that you need to feel confident about in your partner in order to really kind of move forward with the kind of commitment that requires dependency, right? And so I I don't know if it's specific questions as much as it is talking about specific opinions.

SPEAKER_01: 13:59

Yeah, yeah. Right. Like the conversations to have is what you're saying. Because I think you did mention that those are the conversations you should have before you make that big move, right? Not necessarily asking the questions, but also knowing what is probably a red flag, you know? Yeah, noticing the red flags, right? But going back to you, I think the one thing that a lot of people don't realize is if you have a lot, like you're a trauma coach, and if you have a lot of trauma or unresolved issues, you are going to attract that. And I find that to be so true. I've watched a lot of podcasts like the Greatness Podcast, and it's like even though you want those things, from what I remember from one of my guests, her name is Karen Aldad. She said when she wanted to get married, she was hanging around with people who are happily married, you know, surrounding yourself with the things that you want. What do you think about that?

SPEAKER_02: 15:00

Yeah, I mean, I think that from a trauma perspective, trauma is a lens that you put on. I think people often think of trauma as like an experience or a series of experiences in the past, and because they're not in the present, that they don't impact you. But trauma is actually like a pair of glasses that you put on, right? You experience the trauma, they now become those glasses. And you walk around looking at the world through those glasses, right? They inform what you think about the world, about people, about yourself in the world, right? And so, you know, that that can look like, yeah, I hang out with these kinds of people because that's what looks normal to me, right? Like, for example, if you experienced a lot of physical abuse or you uh you observed a lot of physical abuse, right, then you might not think it it seems abnormal to see it around you, right? Or to see it happening to your friends, right? That also puts you at risk, right? To be around that, right? Whereas if those lenses weren't weren't on, if the glasses weren't on, and you saw how violating it is to put your hand on somebody, right? And you you felt that, right, you would say, that's not okay, right? Or you would talk to your friend about like, you know, that's not okay. And are you okay? And I want to support you and not shame you, right? I think that's just one of many, many examples, but I do think that what we do is is a complete response to how we feel and what we think. And when our thoughts come from conclusions we've made as a result of trauma, then that is the way that the trauma lives within us every single day, even if we're not thinking about it. And so, of course, it's gonna dictate who you're hanging out with, the kind of opportunities you think that you have, right? And your world can become really small because trauma is something that isolates you.

SPEAKER_01: 16:55

But how do you resolve that? Because I think a lot of people think there's something wrong with getting therapy. I I still think that's the case. Yeah, as someone who helps a lot of black Latino women, like I I think we are a race who's had a lot of generational trauma. And when you I'm gonna bring personal experience to this, when you date someone who did not grow up in a dysfunctional household, did not grow up with parents who argued a lot and that's not what they're used to. Like my first boyfriend, Michael, I went to therapy because of him because he said to me, You have an anger management problem. Like you need to sort that out. Because I had a short temper. I would lash out at the like smallest thing. I thought it was okay because that's what I was exposed to. But when you date someone who's not used to that, they're like, you need help. And I think after listening to him and like just seeing how I behave, that I was a very angry person at that time. I was like younger, I was 19, that I realized he's right. So I started seeing a therapist because you're you when you grow up in that environment, you think it's okay. But when someone else is a part of your world and you're reacting in a way that they're not used to and that's not normal for them, you realize you're like, this is not normal. This is not okay. Like, I mean, we all get angry, but when you're always like starting things or you know what I mean, getting angry for the smallest thing because your moods like mood regulation and that kind of thing, I I think there's something to be said. And I think you know, we didn't last that long as long as I wanted it to, but I think as a as someone who looks back, I was grateful that like maybe he gave me the push that I needed to start getting help for myself because I didn't think there was anything wrong, but there clearly was, right? So yeah.

SPEAKER_02: 18:51

Yeah. Thank you for sharing that story. I mean, I think that that is it's it's almost like a a gift uh he left you. And it's sometimes it's it sounds funny to to say it in that way, but I kind of I say it too. Like when I think about my heartbreak, you know, I was in a relationship with someone who was who had a really terrible relationship with alcohol. I was enabling, you know, and I I didn't know that I was until later. And there was a lot of emotional energy put into that relationship because I felt like I really had to work to be loved and for him to keep loving me. And I think that him breaking up with me was like I I look back at that now and I feel really grateful, right? Because it forced me into a place of personal growth and and discovery that didn't have this object of affection that I had, which was him and and set me on the path that brought me to here. I'm never gonna say that to his face. I want him to always, I want him to always think that he missed out on, you know, on me. But I do reflect back on the idea of like, you know, regardless of the relationship, it is it is a mirror. And, you know, I didn't have the opportunity of them actually telling me like this is what's wrong with you. But it could because in reality, I think the relationship was really defined by alcoholism. Which is another issue in itself, right? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. But it taught me a lot about myself and my relationship with power and control and my relationship with how I defined my value to other people and how I defined my value to men and where that came from. And that to me is very generational because coming from a Latin household, you know, there is a very, very strong patriarchal values, right? And so I thought I was supposed to be the woman behind the man. And there was really no room for me to be honored outside of my, at the time, mostly sexual and emotional support. And I wouldn't have realized that unless I was no longer in the relationship. And I'm so happy that it wasn't something that spanned my entire 20s because I wouldn't have had that opportunity to really figure myself out and learn from that and see myself differently, see my family differently, um, and go through those phases, right? The phases of loss, the phases of grief, um, of not only the world that I thought that I wanted to be in or that I thought I would have, but also reconciling like the reality of the nature of my life and the dynamics that had been playing out for generations in my household, right? Not just this idea of like, you know, I think, and I think this is something that's common about why people don't go to therapy is like, I don't want to be mad at my parents, you know, like I don't want to, I, you know, and it's kind of like, but that's just one part, right? Oftentimes that's just the part that makes you realize, like, oh dang, like y'all kind of messed up and teaching me to see things this way, and now it's like really biting me in the butt. But also coming with the acceptance of like, but that's also because like that's what you knew, and that's what worked for your generation and maybe grandma's generation, because a woman's relationship to a man was very different back then, and that I actually have the privilege to not need a man for financial security, for um personal growth, um, for so many things that felt like being married was what defined your life, you know, for someone in like my grandmother's generation, right? And like you were saying earlier, Carlene, it's like, well, let's just do it, we're gonna do it different. And so, and so we did. And I think we're better off for it, honestly. Right. And yeah, I I did still get married. I still, you know, did all of these things, but I did it my way on my timeline, and I didn't have to pretend when I when I met my partner, and I don't have to pretend in my marriage, and that feels so free, you know.

SPEAKER_00: 23:04

Diva tonight, glamour for your ears. This is 40, a female perspective.

SPEAKER_01: 23:11

I'm glad you found him when you did. 2010 was a good year. I remember 2010, I won't forget that year. Yeah. I was y'all, you were getting married, I was like, I got into Humber 2010. It was the winter Olympics in Vancouver, so many highlights. I was like so happy because I was older, I was 28, and I'm like, I was not sure if I wanted to go back to school, Tanny, but I was like, when I got in, I was like, okay, you know, I I'll be the older student. But I found like that there were some other students who were older too, so it didn't make it feel as bad. And you know, when you think about the time, how much time has gone by, and like listening to you talk about how you found like your your husband and now you have a a daughter, and like just finding your community. So getting back to that, like I think what is so important, and I've heard so many moms say is that you need a village. And have you found your village in terms of like the people who are there for you when you need a little help? Yeah.

SPEAKER_02: 24:14

I love this question because that's what the sisterhood is to me, right? I think that starting from my singlehood journey was me building that village, right? Because the focus was no longer I need to find a boyfriend, right? Which I think a lot of women experience in their friend circles, right? Because we all have that kind of patriarchal system that we're in of like, okay, like I feel like it's like we had a wonderful time and then we hit 27, and then all of a sudden everyone was like, I need to get married. I'm dating. Who are you dating? Are we gonna go on the apps? What do you and then it just like your friendships just become wanting to find someone, which is unfortunate, right? Because you're a person outside of romance. And I I feel like I'm what's it called? The yeah, the odd one out. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And I feel like I have made a point to maintain close relationships with women and also and also men and and non-binary folks. Like I I feel like I've always maintained a close, intimate connection with people outside of romance, right? That we we go to concerts together because we have this shared love of music. And we we go to these things together or we do business stuff together because like we're really in our bag about these things, and like you know, you can count me, and I'll go to some conference with you, right? Like just having these friendships, right? And being your emergency contact, right? Like, if you are going on a date, please text me when you get home, you know, and just really accepting the people that come into my life in this very holistic way. And I think those are the friendships that have spanned so much of my adulthood to the point where now that I have become a mom, it is not just some of my friends becoming moms as well and understanding exactly what that's like, but also my aunties that are, you know, my my friends that are the aunties who are involved in my life because they see the difference and they also know, oh, like, are we gonna still go out? Right. And then I make it a point of myself to say, I am not defined by my relationship. I am also not defined by my motherhood. So it also means that I'm gonna be pretty unapologetic about my village taking care of my child because mommy's gonna go see Beyonce. Mommy's gonna go have her night out, and it's gonna be it's gonna be regular. It's not gonna be that once in the six months when I'm tired and you know, my friends want to pity me and take me out. No, like I go out because that's a part of me that gets fulfilled, that I've always plan to fulfill, right? Like women are multidimensional. We have a lot of cups to fill. And I think we convince ourselves that there's only one big cup, and that's like the marriage and family cup or the mom cup. And it's like, no, I fill that cup because all those other cups are overfilling, right? Because I got my time with my friends, I got to work out and my body feels good, and I got to do all of these other things that feel like parts of my identity are attended to, and that makes me a good mom. And that makes me a good wife, right? I think that was one of the lessons out of the pandemic that my husband has said. We learned a lot of lessons about our marriage in the pandemic, and we had our daughter during the pandemic. But one of the things that he said to me was, Oh, like you have to hang out with your friends, you're nicer to me. He was like, No, I'm always gonna encourage you to go out with your friends, have your brunch, go out for drinks, do whatever it is that you like, because you come home like happy to see me. You come home like more patient.

SPEAKER_01: 28:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02: 28:01

And it's like, he's right. And that's the kind of partner that I love, right? That's that's someone who's I'm like, this is why I married this man, because he knows that I am defined more than just this motherhood role or this wife role, that I'm this person that needs to be nurtured just like I nurture him, right? And so we are both invested in helping each other pursue the version of ourselves that we know make us feel fulfilled. And that's not defined by just that one person that you decided to marry, right? But that we are important tools in each other's growth.

SPEAKER_01: 28:33

Yeah. Wow, that's amazing. No, I think it's it's true what you said, like being able to take time for yourself to enjoy the everyday pleasures. So when you mentioned the Beyonce concert, did you actually go see Beyonce or is that just an example?

SPEAKER_02: 28:49

Oh, I a hundred percent went to Cowboy Carter. I went with my girlfriend. It was my first time seeing Beyonce. I had wanted to see her for many years, and this year I was like, you know what? I'm I'm going. I'm going. Who knows? Who knows what's gonna happen in the world? I'm gonna go see Beyonce. And now I'm completely hooked, and now I have to go to the next one because it's just a whole community experience that I feel like was really warranted, you know. Wow. Yeah. And I was so excited, and I'm like, you know what? Hey, if if we if we become rich, it will become an entire family experience because my daughter needs to be here too. You know, I think it's just been so exciting and inspiring because, you know, I know I am not Beyonce and I know I do not have Beyonce resources, but you know, she's a mom too, you know? And I think it's just it becomes inspiring to be around people who want to be better versions of themselves because I think that that's something that Beyonce brings out in everybody. Like we all want to show up looking glowed up. We all want to tap into this inspiring version of ourselves, and I think that's just such a magnetic energy. To be around.

SPEAKER_01: 30:00

So it's kind of like you went to the concert and it kind of gave you that boost that you need. And we all need that energy source sometimes. Like, you know, like there's your happy place, you know, the things that make you happy. And obviously that was a good concert to experience. I'm thinking about it myself. Like, you know, I'm not a huge Beyonce fan, but I do like a lot of her music for sure. You know what I mean? There's a few artists I think I've wanted to see, but I think I don't know, since the pandemic, concerts have become really expensive. And so it's like, okay, we're gonna have to choose now, you know, who we really want to see and that kind of thing, right? The last concert I saw was the Baxti Boys. And for me, yeah, that was fun because it brought me back to my childhood. Because I remember like every album I, you know, had to get that album, and I was a huge fan, and they're they're similar in age. So I feel like even now they still put on a good show. I can't believe it. Like it's just like, you know, it's amazing to see them live. And I think it's good for you that you had the that moment, you know what I mean? You got that experience, and hopefully you'll get to experience it again too. And getting back to what you do as a coach and a therapist. And I think there's one thing we didn't talk about, which I thought is very interesting. You talk also about loneliness. And I think because we're talking a lot about like the whole idea of dating and like, you know, wanting to meet the person that you're supposed to spend your life with, but what do you think is important when it comes to accepting loneliness and being alone and doing things on your own? Like, what's your advice to women who are single or who feel alone?

SPEAKER_02: 31:47

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Well, I think that there is a very big difference between there's two things. There's a difference between being lonely and being alone. Oh, right. Yep. Right. Testament as someone who lives in a city of eight of eight million people. Oh, there's a lot of lonely people in New York City, you know, and we're stacked all together up in these buildings and packed in these subways, right? And so I think loneliness is definitely a mindset. And I think it's a mindset that needs to be tended to because it will drive us to think in scarcity and oftentimes leads to self-sabotage, right? Like settling for something that you know isn't really good for you just to feel a warm body or just to feel like you're not in that kind of lonely place. So there's that. I think the second thing about loneliness is that it is also something that needs to be self-soothed, right? Loneliness, like most emotions and feelings that we have, are information. They're information for us to understand what it is that we feel like we're missing. And I think because especially women, we're wired to think that the answer to these things are men. I think that that's what leads us down that path of self-sabotage. When in reality, when you think about loneliness as, okay, well, I just I want someone to witness my life, I want someone to hug, I want someone to play with. Why does that have to be a romantic connection, right? Because I think anyone that's been in an unhealthy relationship knows that being in the wrong relationship is worse for you than any kind of singlehood journey that you're on. That being single ever would ever harm you. And I think that we need to be able to understand ourselves enough to know exactly what it is that we're looking for, right? Because it might not just be wanting a sexual connection. It may not just be I want to be married, right? Loneliness can also be I don't have a friend to talk to, or I don't have someone to be completely myself around because the friends that I have make me feel like I need to perform to keep up with them. Right. Right. A man's not gonna solve that problem, right? A man's not gonna necessarily solve the problem of thinking that you're not good enough, right? And so really being able to address those things in the work so that when you do meet somebody that you're interested in, you're on equal footing, right? Like you're making eye contact, you're not just hoping that they like you back, you know? You're showing up with the confidence of like, yeah, I know I'm dope. Oh, you want to hang out? Okay, I can hang out with you, you're fun.

SPEAKER_01: 34:27

Yeah, those are some serious things to consider. And I do see here that on your website, you have a little package for someone. It's a free guide to combating loneliness.

SPEAKER_02: 34:42

Yeah. So people can go to her soulsupply.com and I have a little freebies section. And so I have a few guides that dive a little deeper into some of these concepts and these things that tend to often impact single women and and single women of color as well. So combating loneliness is a big one. How to rebuild trust and and build new connections with people, right? Like basically, like how to how do you build intimacy with people in general, right? In a world where you become really skeptical of people, right? Because you've been harmed or or you feel like you you haven't been good enough. I also have a new guide on there called How to Have a Happy and Healthy Host Season because another part of my identity.

SPEAKER_01: 35:25

I like that. I like that. Oh my gosh. Can we have you back to talk about that? Let's do that. I like that. I think there's a lot of negative misconceptions with that. You know what I mean? And and like sometimes you just need that, right? And like it should be okay to have those experiences. And with that being said, I'm Carleen and this is Diva tonight with Fanny Tristan in Brooklyn, New York. I always think of that song, New York, you know. Um, I want to thank you for being so humble and for being so honest about your own personal experiences because I think in today's day and age, we always need just someone to give a different perspective on this whole experience of being a woman, being single, or being married, or you know, just trying to figure out this thing called life, right?

SPEAKER_02: 36:25

Yeah. I mean, thank you so much for having me, Carleen, and and just sharing your story. And, you know, just I would love to come back and talk about our happy and healthy host seasons.

SPEAKER_01: 36:38

That's so good. Thank you.